Secret and classified documents securely stored in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom (note tasteful chandelier)
After Trumpie’s two most reputable attorneys immediately resigned, right as news of the indictment broke, the Orange Polyp (who most likely fired them, as appears by his praise of them) wrote this:
The end.
I am about fifty pages into trying to put this real-life horror movie into book form, this story of cooties in the kindergarten playground, dictated to me, with an air of inevitability I can now almost taste, by a group of old friends, every detail exactly perfect as it happened. If by perfect we mean “beautiful” in the sense certain Ukrainian Jews used to use the word beautiful.
One example of this special use of “beautiful” was the explanation given to a Ukrainian Jew, in 1942, about why a Ukrainian policeman had to shoot a young Jew who had stolen bread. The Jew, who saw the policeman leading the boy away at gunpoint, had sought to save the kid’s life. He tried to convince the policeman, a man he knew, to punish him in a less extreme way, perhaps a beating and a fine. The Jew described how the policeman explained himself, “in a beautiful way.”
“Let’s say I fine him,” said the policeman, “and he can’t pay the fine. And we both know he can’t pay the fine, that’s why he stole bread. So if I let him go with a fine that he can’t pay, am I really doing him any kind of favor? Things will go very badly for him in a very short time, with the SS, and I’ll also be in trouble. So by shooting him, I’m actually performing a kind of mercy, it’s better all around, for everybody.”
When I describe the story that a group of my lifelong friends have dictated to me as beautiful, this is the sense in which I mean beautiful.
Insert the famous Howard Dean scream under this recent photo of righteous Ron DeSanctimonious, and this picture’s worth an unlimited thousands of words.
Give them swords and shields, unleash wild beasts among them, and let the truly greatest one among them emerge victorious. I’d pay $500 to sit in the worst seat in the stadium for that show.
In the end, we’d know who is truly the most noble genius among this class of incomparably noble geniuses. And nobody would own the Supreme Court any more, or be able to unleash a crippling terrorist attack on the world economy from inside the lunatic fringe in one chamber of Congress, or insist on maintaining a poverty minimum wage of $7.25/hr. unchanged in decades of inflation, while manipulating the least critical of faithful, white Christians to believe they are doing these things on behalf of Jesus Christ, their lord and savior, and the sacred unborn.
I had my left knee replaced fifteen days ago in a procedure so traumatic, apparently, that the anesthesiologist administers a drug that induces amnesia to erase the entire process as though it never happened (except for waking up with a new knee and a lot of pain). They gave me oxycodone and tylenol for the pain.
Oxycodone (and the entire mass murdering, philanthropic Sackler family should all go to actual hell — editor’s note) works to significantly dampen much of the pain about 70% of the time. The other 30% of the time it just addles your brain, dredges up your lowest impulses while making you irritable and subject to tantrums; it literally turns you into Rush Limbaugh (who was famously, and criminally, addicted to it).
Two nights after my surgery, as the pain continued to burn full blast in my knee, after a full, maximum dose, I found myself angrily rattling some papers in front of an imaginary microphone improvising a fast-paced racist, misogynistic, homophobic tirade in a kind of growly pirate voice. Through my haze I could see that it was terrifying poor Sekhnet, my loving caretaker. Why anyone would become addicted to this drug is a mystery to me, unless you are a Presidential Medal of Freedom awarded genius with talent on loan from God Himself, I suppose.
I called the surgeon’s PA the next day and told her this. She laughed at the Limbaugh bit (I wasn’t laughing, I had a paper in my hand, about to start rattling) and prescribed an alternative opioid, dilaudid, generic name hydromorphone. I didn’t find it quite as effective against the pain, at least not at first, but eventually switched over to it. I was thankful to no longer feel like Rush Limbaugh, and found, to my surprise, that it was a relief feeling like the MyPillow Guy…
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