Nowadays, for anyone who wants just to write, and forget about having millions of readers, someone who just needs to write everyday and make that writing accessible to others, this is a golden age.

Any schmuck with a smartphone and an app can sit in a recliner and make like the great dictator. I talk to this phone the way Adolf Hitler talked to loyal halfwit Rudolph Hess, who transcribed Hitler’s incoherent gibberish in a way that was also completely unreadable.

This phone allows me to go back and make any number of editorial improvements with the keyboard. The result is prose of the highest quality that I am capable of producing.

In this chair, pontificating, I am the great dictator, literally. I dictate these words into my telephone. I will then take the Rudolph Hess-like transcribed gibberish and render it back into the English that I spoke into the phone.

It’s a refinement that, sadly, Adolf Hitler could not avail himself of there in Landesdown prison when he produced his masterwork “My seven years of struggle against the lying, filthy Jews, Communists, homosexuals, and other inhuman, maggot enemies who stabbed the victorious German army in the back!!!!” [1]

That dramatic Hitlerian title was later prudently shortened to Mein Kampf (My struggle). Picture being the editor trying to argue with fucking Hitler.

Hitlerious, no?

[1] Wikipedia corrects my recollection:

Hitler originally wanted to call his forthcoming book Viereinhalb Jahre (des Kampfes) gegen Lüge, Dummheit und Feigheit (Four and a Half Years [of Struggle] Against Lies, Stupidity and Cowardice).^[8] Max Amann, head of the Franz Eher Verlag and Hitler’s publisher, is said to have suggested^[9] the much shorter “Mein Kampf” (“My Struggle”).