You will rarely get exactly what you need from another person

You can become emotionally paralyzed sometimes, holding out for exactly what you need from another person.  All color and nuance will disappear and you are left in a grim black and white, either/or zero-sum stand off where understanding becomes impossible. Character, integrity, maturity, decency and insight all become matters of heated debate. Issues reduced to enflamed morality rarely end well. Sometimes a few words intended to make all the hurtful things go away is the best you can fairly expect.   

The words may not be the ones you need to hear, they may even annoy the shit out of you with their insistence on some detail or another, but recognizing they are the best a loved one is capable of is the key to ending an emotional stalemate.  If you can’t accept that, you need to keep suffering or cauterize the wound and feel done with it.  The hardest part of accepting an imperfect apology (particularly if held out as proof that you are unforgiving) is remembering that apologizing is hard for many people in our culture. It is also rare to ever get exactly what you need in this life, no matter how clearly you ask for it, no matter how seemingly reasonable what you are asking for appears to be

An old friend told me it is humiliating to have to ask a loved one for something that should be given without asking.   Sometimes it is.   The sympathy and care we expect, we provide, have become mutually accustomed to, may not come sometimes.  There will always be a reason the other person is not able to extend sympathy or care, since nobody acts without a reason they believe is a good one.  It may be a good reason or a weak one.  It may be a rationale you don’t agree with, even find ridiculous.  Whatever they say to try to make things right afterwards, even if it still contains the need to defend what they did as the right thing, somehow, you must accept as the best they are capable of.

If the relationship is important to you, you can either accept the best they can do as the best they can do, and good enough, walk away or remain locked in a senseless conflict that can never end well.  In the end of intractable existential conflicts, everyone loses.  

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