Category Archives: “funny”

Imagine what a curse this is

Imagine you are on stage at your junior high school, playing the piano. Your parents are in the audience, along with several of their closest friends.  As you play, your father turns to his best friend, a guy who was always like your funniest uncle who is also a guitar player.   Your father says quietly to this guy “it’s a shame she doesn’t have the discipline to ever become a great concert pianist.  We started her too late, that other girl is so much better than her.”

You will of course never hear about this, unless decades later this beloved uncle figure is suddenly rejected by your parents as the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler.  The transformation became necessary after he witnessed embarrassingly human behavior and your parents both felt humiliated by his moral stance.  Uncle Hitler might write something like this, like this thing you’re reading right now:

You were a musical prodigy, my dear, the independence of hands that you had at the age of 6 was as amazing as your ability to play full classical pieces by ear.  Your musical talent was mind blowing, off the charts, phenomenal. But your parents, who, as I only recently learned, are both narcissists and see the world as strict hierarchy, black and white, win or lose, glory or shame, didn’t understand that somebody with your degree of musical talent should be guided by love of music to wherever that talent takes her. 

In their ignorance/arrogance your parents decided they could harness your love of music to instill discipline in you by forcing classical piano lessons on you.  I always gave them the benefit of the doubt on this, neither one realized that the greatest musicians we know often can’t read music.  You know the long list of these Paul Simons, John, Paul and Georges as well as I do.  You hated these lessons, and the straightjacket of classical piano training, although you easily mastered everything they required.  You fought a succession of these overmatched teachers, who were surrogates for your implacable fucking parents who wound up needing to convince you, decades later, that, among other things, your beloved uncle was actually Uncle Hitler. 

I am so sorry to be the bearer of this unbearable, but hopefully helpful news, that your feelings about the unsafeness of the world are based in real experience, and you are not to blame for the hurt you feel. I’m there with you now, in solidarity.

My door is always open to you for any insight a guitar playing mass murderer who has known you since you were born can share. 

Have a nice day, and if you will excuse me now, I have to get back to my unslakable, inchoate rage and ongoing mass murder project.  I’m on a timetable here, dear, and the clock is ticking.

Love always, 

Your Uncle Adolf

I take no pleasure in this

But you might, cuck

Here’s the NY TImes with a deadpan account, the last line of which is kind of funny:

Live Updates: Fox News Parts Ways With Tucker Carlson Days After Dominion Settlement

The announcement came less than a week after the network agreed to pay $787.5 million in a defamation lawsuit in which Mr. Carlson’s show, one of the highest rated on Fox, figured prominently. He was said to be surprised by the move.

Easy Enough, no?

After being told to do 180 repetitions of each of two painful knee flexing exercises two days after surgery, and being given an uncomfortable position, involving a pyramid of pillows, to sleep in (impossible to even maintain after about 120 reps that day) I was close to turning into Rush Limbaugh from oxycodone. The narcotic did not dampen the extreme pain but made me so angry I was on the verge of becoming an irrational racist, misogynist, homophobe.

I eventually found the sense to drag myself into the other room where, sitting at the computer, I eventually found this, from the National Health Service in England. This information is contained nowhere in the pages the hospital and PT folks left me with before or after my knee replacement. Item number two allowed me to go to bed and get some sleep, which is the best and only medicine when you are overwhelmed, exhausted and in pain the drugs don’t fix.

How fucking hard would it have been for someone who treated me to impart this valuable info to me, folks?

The “Twitter Files” and Hunter Biden’s dick pix

Jim Jordan and the weaponization of government select committee have made a big deal about the supposed Twitter files, an even more explosive story than Hillary Clinton’s emails or her clear guilt in the death of four Americans at the embassy in Benghazi, Libya. Their claim is that Biden and the extreme left have used government power to coerce Twitter into censoring and suppressing the truth, including intervening to prevent posting of pictures of Hunter Biden’s penis. Just like the liberal corporate media! The Twitter files controversy may well be complete bullshit, but it’s something to get mad about!

When one of the world’s richest men, with unknown wealthy autocratic funders like Putin, Mohammed bin Salman, the ghost of Benito Mussolini, bought the public square that is Twitter, he immediately fired most of the content moderation folks and limited access to any view that did not agree with his right wing worldview. At the same time new CEO Musk gave unfettered access to right wing extremists, restoring accounts that had been banned, including the account of the architect and chief propagandist of the insurrection to overturn the “stolen election” of 2020.

In the interest of proving the vast Communist conspiracy against all wealthy people, Elon Musk turned over certain files to be exploited by the MAGA/America First weaponization of government select committee. Musk got once respected Rolling Stone reporter Matt Taibbi to look at selected Twitter files to make the case that Twitter had previously been a partisan arm of the cucktard libtard deep state that has such hateful bias toward The Make America Great Again crowd. Taibbi and Jordan didn’t make much of a case, but here is an egregious example of some of the extreme anti-Trump prejudice of Twitter before it was purchased by Musk.

Trumpie tweeted this during the J6 riot, right before a crowd he’d whipped up with an hour of detailed, inflammatory lies about a stolen election, a crowd who’d already erected a gallows, began chanting “hang Mike Pence!” Note the provocative, unfair anti-Trump nature of the warning about the tweet:

This claim about election fraud is disputed

Taibbi once did great investigative journalism and wrote some excellent books, including a deep dive into the killing of Eric Garner on Staten Island by police, for the crime of being a big black serial committer of misdemeanors. In recent times Taibbi seems to have gone full MAGA. He doesn’t do too well defending his point of view against Medhi Hassan, coming off like a petty, defensive twerp. He gets mad when questioned about thanking Jim Jordan for the honor of testifying to the weaponization committee, and his praise of Lyin’ Ted Cruz. It is always great to watch Mehdi at work.

The death of a 1000 cuts

The funny thing about the death of a thousand cuts is that sometimes you can be cut 980 times before you realize you’re being subjected to the death of a thousand cuts. In the end you’ll be cut to shreds, in fact, you already are, even as you’re deluded by protestations of love from the folks with the knives.

It’s like walking around with a wounded friendship, carrying it on your back with no idea that it’s already dead. And worse than dead, really, the corpse you’re hauling on your shoulders is actually a biting zombie intent on having a nice snack.

Trumpie’s ongoing obstruction of justice

Federal judge Lewis Kaplan, recognizing that a dangerous psychopath was a party to a lawsuit soon to be tried in his courtroom, took special precautions to insulate the jury from tampering, intimidation and threats of violence.

On the same day, the office of Alvin Bragg, the district attorney who Trumpie demeaned as human scum, a degenerate, psychopathic animal inserted by hateful Jew billionaire Soros, received, according to The New York Times, a package containing unidentified white powder (and a single piece of paper with the typewritten words, “ALVIN: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!”). Can you say stochastic terrorism, taking its cues from the fearsome intimidator-in-chief?

Ben Meislas, an articulate lawyer with a nuanced understanding of the legal and political landscape of our threatened democracy, puts Trumpie’s rage tweets in context. He points out that judges are already using them as evidence of Trumpie’s lifelong penchant for intimidation, threats and inspiring violent retribution against all of his dangerous, sick, psychopathic, animal, Jew, Black, often female enemies. Ben included some of Trumpie’s recently posted overheated pronouncements against a few of his recent deadly enemies, human scum, worse than the Gestapo!

Image for a dead friendship

In hindsight, it’s often easy to see the moment when a friendship ends. The time of death can be placed pretty precisely in retrospect.

The image I had for the year I was hoping a cherished friendship was not dead was me carrying the corpse of a relationship I was desperately believing was not actually dead.

I realized just the other day that a more accurate image, in light of how relentlessly this heavy cadaver fought me to the death every time I tried to make peace, is that I was carrying a zombie who kept trying to bite me. Lovingly toting around a biting zombie. Try getting your brain around that.

Bad enough to be naive enough to carry the dead body of a beloved in hopes that maybe they’re not dead. But how much worse to carry a zombie that is actively trying to bite you the entire time?

Trumpie totally refutes judge’s finding

Judge Beryl Howell granted the DOJ’s motion to compel Trumpie’s attorney Evan Corcoran to answer questions, under the penalties of perjury, about the many classified documents found at Mar-a-Lago after he certified, falsely, that after a diligent search all documents had been returned. She ruled that attorney/client privilege does not apply to many of the questions because of the crime/fraud exception.

Because Trumpie and his attorney appear to have jointly participated in crimes, obstruction of justice, for example (the order is under seal) attorney/client privilege does not apply to conversations and actions related to those crimes. Corcoran has to answer the DOJ’s questions about these alleged crimes, or plead the Fifth.

In response Trumpie’s “office” issued this stinging smackdown of the weak, woke DOJ and pathetic, abusive American justice system, as reported in The New York Times:

source

Hell, of course you will!