It’s sad, but also freeing, to understand that while somebody you care about can’t help their anger, feels they must behave as they do, their misery is also no excuse for things they do that become intolerable to you. What you can’t tolerate, you can’t tolerate.
“But if I can’t help it, it can’t be my fault!” the person might cry.
OK, but if you can’t help doing it over and over, and won’t talk about it, and I can’t stand it, I can’t help you either.
It’s as tragic as untimely death itself, but the math of it is pretty straightforward.