My father, I learned late in his life, was whipped in the face by his mother, regularly, from the time he could stand. The last night he was alive he told me that his life was basically over by the time he was two. Grow up whipped by your mother, who also whips your father, in dire poverty, with undiagnosed 20/400 vision that makes you appear moronic, unteachable, once you get to school — unable to speak English when you start kindergarten — it leaves a humiliating mark. Best to hide all that shit as best you can, collapsing it all into “grinding poverty,” spoken like a seething Clint Eastwood.
Grow up in a comfortable middle class home, never knowing want of any kind, raised by a mother and father who are both smart, funny and well-educated, and emerge with lifelong disabilities and, you know… kind of pathetic, no?
Unlike physical beatings, which are easily understood as violent and scarring, psychological beatings can be devilishly subtle, and just as destructive.
How do you describe the pain inflicted by silence, maintained eternally, starting at the exact moment you ask for an answer? An implacable glare can have the force of a hard punch in the solar plexus. Sarcasm, arguably innocent humor, can be used to great effect, if deployed at just the right moment, and in front of the right people. These techniques have the virtue of perfect deniability, turning any objection to them into the viciously unfair whine of a sniveler.
“Now you say I hurt you by keeping my mouth shut? I can’t win, can I? I held my tongue, but that’s not enough for you. You can say whatever you want, make any accusations you like against me, but I can’t even remain quiet without being attacked? You have a real problem there, you know that? The whole world is against you, even silence hurts your delicate feelings. You need help.”
The worst of this kind of untender treatment is that you begin to blame yourself, question your right to feel hurt at all. Maybe I was being kind of unfair, asking a question that was so difficult to answer. Maybe my timing was thoughtless, I put them on the spot at the worst possible moment. Why do I keep making people feel so defensive, so angry? What is wrong with me that I keep upsetting people like this?
You can sometimes cross a barrier, deep into the unseen private wounds of people you have known and loved for years. There is no coming back from this, as far as I know. Mutuality can be destroyed in a moment, though it can take much longer to understand that mutuality has been destroyed. “I hurt you? You fucking hurt me, you merciless fucking fuck!” An argument like that cannot be won. How did friendship suddenly turn into war? “You humiliated me by making me feel like a terrible person… you are a terrible person.”
The wife was only trying to make everything perfect for her quietly angry, stressed out husband. He may be impossible to please in certain ways, but that only makes her try harder. Then she’s faulted for micromanaging a vacation, as if everything being out of control is better than methodically organizing everything. Her husband likes order. How is that her fault? Then you overreacted to her frustration, which was caused 100% by you resisting her perfectly understandable, laudable desire to please her husband. You insist her sudden “anger” hurt you, but you’re not looking at the full picture, just focusing on what you absurdly claim was a glare of rage and an angry refusal to discuss options or compromise in any way. How can you not see that you are the angry asshole who caused all of the bad feelings, the one who unilaterally ended our long friendship?
You understand too late the depths of your old friends’ damage. See how tricky well-covered up psychological wounds can be?
In these situations I often think of the four temperaments from Pirkey Avot. Quick to anger, quick to be placated — loss offset by gain. Slow to anger, slow to be placated — gain offset by loss. Slow to anger, quick to be placated — a righteous soul. Quick to anger, slow to be placated — evil.
Sounds a bit judgmental, perhaps, to frame the ability to forgive as good or evil, but, truly, once you have apologized to the best of your ability, expressed understanding of why what you did hurt the other person, vowed to do better going forward — the reason a dear friend would not forgive you is a deep need to feel superior, to hold the weapon of unforgiveness against your head. Or, evil. The pain they experienced is so deep and abiding, and the current hurt brings on the unbearable sting of former abuse so acutely, that the jury will be out forever on whether you deserve to be forgiven. You will live on probation, with strict rules governing what may be mentioned again. If you want forgiveness you must earn it, by long penitence. Even then, the jury will remain out, because you’ve already shown you are the hurting type, the kind who deserves punishment.
We are drawn, perhaps, to people who have suffered similar things to what we have suffered. It gives us an instant unconscious basis for understanding each other’s vulnerabilities, and fosters a feeling of comradeship, having survived similar mistreatment. At the same time, it puts us close to an explosive force, one that can easily go off when the stress is turned up.
“What stress? You claim there was stress, there was no goddamned stress, until you caused it. Everything was fine until you reverted to despicable form and started resisting every reasonable thing I proposed. How dare you blame us for your uncontrollable stress?! The world is endlessly unfair to you, poor little misunderstood genius. You feel superior to everybody while demonstrating your inferiority every day. That’s the real problem. You think you’re great, and you’re angry all the time, and we did nothing to you — you are the one who caused all the bad feelings.”
In an unguarded moment she will tell you that you made her feel like her daughter, an actual genius, often made her feel. Challenged and overmatched. “So good with words, and such command of memory, you both are, that I have to fight to defeat you by any means necessary. You make me fight you to the death, how does it feel to try to kill me, you murderous black hearted bastard?”
It is impossible to measure the depth and breadth of these wounds. And futile.