Merrick Garland must be a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the folks who run the prestigious annual awards for actors and those involved in every aspect of high budget film-making. Garland is just less talkative than the others on the board of the Academy Awards.

The Academy today officially announced it will launch an “investigation” into the hard slap in the face to an awards presenter delivered by this year’s best actor, Will Smith, moments before he got a standing ovation from his peers on being awarded top actor honors. Millions worldwide saw the full-body bitch slap delivered live a few days ago (except here in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave), followed by an impressive display of verbal toxic masculinity, and anyone can see it in perpetuity on various platforms, but, you know, as the Academy must have reasoned, we have to follow the facts, and the law, and protocol, and ensure due process for everybody so that the rights of all are protected and to show that all wealthy celebrities are equal, under our laws, bylaws and customs. This is America, the land of fair and impartial investigations (right, Merrick?).

God bless these incorruptible United Shayssssh.