Today is Yom Kippur, the day in Jewish tradition when our deeds of the past year are weighed, our apologies, attempts at reconciliation, the repayment of our debts are considered, and we are judged and marked down in an ineffably gigantic book for a year of health and peace or one of trouble. When the day of fasting ends, the book is sealed.
I feel virtuous today because I made one stinking sincere apology the other day. Sekhnet and I, and most Jews we know, are fasting today. Don’t ask me why, I suppose it’s for the discipline. One year in high school I fasted every Friday for a while, back when I weighed 137 pounds. I do it once a year now, on Yom Kippur. It’s the least I can do, so I do it.
The pious fasting of a horde of bad-breathed Jews who paid top dollar to pray all day at Hillcrest Jewish Center and, after a final blast of the ram’s horn signaled the Book of Life was sealed, race home to eat, always left me cold. It still does. On the other hand, I like the idea that we should seek forgiveness from those we’ve hurt. The world would be a much better place if making amends was widely practiced.
Alas, it’s not. We are, for the most part, unrepentant because we’re justified. We are geniuses at justifying why we don’t owe some thin-skinned asshole who claims we hurt them jack shit. Easier to write the person off, fuck ’em, you know what I’m sayin’?
This year I’m thinking I’d almost rather be in synagogue than listening to the talking heads I’m compulsively listening to. On this holiest day of my people’s year I find myself in my regular chair, laptop on, watching the hideous shenanigans of a deranged man who was never the sharpest knife in the drawer (and his failure to master basic spelling is not the only tip off) and who is now the sharpest and deadliest pair of scissors this country has ever drunkenly raced around holding.
His dead-enders in Congress, driven by blind ambition, supported by dark money, rush in a gaggle to explain why what he did — seeking dirt on a political rival from the new Ukrainian president (a Jewish comedian with a law degree, don’t you know?) in exchange for releasing defensive weapons Ukraine needs to protect itself from Putin– if he even did what he admitted he did (and he’s known to joke, josh, provoke, tweak, trigger, sometimes lie, so who knows why he actually said that he did it?) is not nearly as bad as the desperate and despicable unconstitutional acts of the partisan lynch mob determined to bring him down.
The angry Democrats have convened a kangaroo court. That’s it! There’s our talking point! This constitutional provision about impeachment is allowing the crazed, jealous, loser Democrats to hold a kangaroo court. The president is the best, the jealous assholes who are determined to impeach him, those disgusting defecators, have convened a kangaroo court! Here’s Trump tweeting the phrase, echoing it into microphones under the blades of his helicopter, now another loyalist says it, now another and another. You see, it is a good defense, the “court” is a kangaroo court, not a real court, it’s an illegitimate, traitorous fake court, run by a “malicious Captain Kangaroo”. 
The president has nothing to hide. That’s why he’s not allowing any testimony to be given or any documents to be produced. Nothing to hide! Kangaroo court! Obstruct this, libs! Illegitimate, illegal! Smelly! Cooties-infested! BULLSHIT! Treasonous traitors! Enemies of the People! It’s nobody’s business how badly I did on the SATs (my scores were perfect, by the way), what my grades were at Wharton (5.0 all the way), who I got money from as reported on my taxes (totally legal — and which you losers will never, NEVER see) what incriminating texts my people sent each other. Article Two, you traitors, I can do whatever I want! Read the constitution, I hear it’s something. And, by the way, fuck you and the stinking kangaroo you rode into your kangaroo court on, Captain. You’re deranged, not me. LOL!
 37 year-old Florida congressman Matt Gaetz made this impassioned charge to a gaggle of reporters:
“We would sure like to see the Volker testimony released before we continue the depositions and transcribed interviews. And what we see in this impeachment is a kangaroo court, and Chairman Schiff is acting like a malicious Captain Kangaroo,” Gaetz told reporters Tuesday morning after the State Department blocked scheduled testimony from U.S. Ambassador to the European Union Gordon Sondland, a key figure in the Ukraine controversy.
Apparently this maligning of Captain Kangaroo (innocent of all charges, he never, even once, presided over a ‘kangaroo court’) triggered such a viral response on Merriam-Webster’s site that they felt obliged to step in and straighten this shit out. Here’s the rest of the story.