Getting enough sleep

Sleep deprivation, as every dark site practitioner of “enhanced interrogation” knows, is the ultimate torture. Deprive the most well-trained partisan torture resister in the world of sleep for long enough and you will eventually break them in half, even as you render them insane. Being unable to sleep night after night, for whatever reason, will rob you of optimism and eventually destroy you.

On the other hand, a good night’s sleep is the best medicine. When you wake up after enough sleep your day starts off better, your mood is lighter. Get enough sleep day after day and your faith in the goodness of life and a large range of possibilities returns.

Of course, all bets are off when it comes to psychopaths. They may be insomniacs or machines that sleep exactly eight hours a night. What’s the difference?

Project 2025 = Gleichschaltung

Wikipedia:

The Nazi term Gleichschaltung (German pronunciation: [ˈɡlaɪçʃaltʊŋ] ⓘ) or “coordination” was the process of Nazification by which Adolf Hitler — leader of the Nazi Party in Germany — successively established a system of totalitarian control and coordination over all aspects of German society “from the economy and trade associations to the media, culture and education”.[1] 

Although the Weimar Constitution remained nominally in effect until Germany’s surrender following World War II, near total Nazification had been secured by the 1935 resolutions approved during the Nuremberg Rally, when the symbols of the Nazi Party and the state were fused (see Flag of Nazi Germany) and German Jews were deprived of their citizenship (see Nuremberg Laws). The tenets of Gleichschaltung also applied to territories occupied by the Nazis. . .

. . .  Another measure of Nazi Gleichschaltung was the enactment of the “Law for the Restoration of a Professional Civil Service” (7 April 1933), which mandated the “co-ordination” of the civil service – which in Germany included not only bureaucrats, but also schoolteachers and professors, judges, prosecutors, and other professionals – at the federal, state and municipal level, and authorized the removal of Jews and Communists from these positions, with limited exceptions for those who had fought in the First World War or had lost a father or son in combat.[19] . . .

. . . With Reich President von Hindenburg fatally ill, the Reich government enacted the “Law Concerning the Head of State of the German Reich” (1 August 1934). This law was signed by the entire Reich cabinet. It combined the office of Reich President with that of Reich Chancellor under the title of “Führer and Reich Chancellor,” and was drawn up to become effective on the death of the Reich President, which occurred the next day. Again, this flagrantly violated Article 2 of the Enabling Act, which forbade any actions interfering with the office of the Reich President. With this law, Hitler became not only Germany’s head of state, but also the commander-in-chief of the armed forces.[32] 

It also removed the last remedy by which Hitler could be legally removed from office, and with it all checks on his power.

source

And of course:

One of the most critical steps towards Gleichschaltung of German society was the introduction of the “Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda” under Joseph Goebbels in March 1933 and the subsequent steps taken by the Propaganda Ministry to assume complete control of the press and all means of social communication. This included oversight of newspapers, magazines, films, books, public meetings and ceremonies, foreign press relations, theater, art and music, radio, and television.[37] To this end, Goebbels said:

[T]he secret of propaganda [is to] permeate the person it aims to grasp, without his even noticing that he is being permeated. Of course propaganda has a purpose, but the purpose must be concealed with such cleverness and virtuosity that the person on whom this purpose is to be carried out doesn’t notice it at all.[38]

This was also the purpose of “co-ordination”: to ensure that every aspect of the lives of German citizens was permeated with the ideas and prejudices of the Nazis. From March to July 1933 and continuing afterward, the Nazi Party systematically eliminated or co-opted non-Nazi organizations that could potentially influence people. Those critical of Hitler and the Nazis were suppressed, intimidated, or murdered.[10]

Every national voluntary association, and every local club, was brought under Nazi control, from industrial and agricultural pressure groups to sports associations, football clubs, male voice choirs, women’s organizations—in short, the whole fabric of associational life was Nazified. Rival, politically oriented clubs or societies were merged into a single Nazi body. Existing leaders of voluntary associations were either unceremoniously ousted, or knuckled under of their own accord. Many organizations expelled leftish or liberal members and declared their allegiance to the new state and its institutions. The whole process … went on all over Germany. … By the end, virtually the only non-Nazi associations left were the army and the Churches with their lay organizations.[39]

same source

The difference between Hitler’s 37% and Donald’s

Nazis will be Nazis, tireless, fanatical, unafraid to look stupid or desperate, hellbent on avenging humiliation and dominating/humiliating/destroying all enemies. I think of them the same way I think of corporations, which, in their single-minded lust for profit above all else, are the implacable, eternal, legally-created embodiment of the narcissistic personality.

Driven by conformity to a black and white worldview that tells them who is to blame for their troubles, and proposes subjugation and destruction of these hateful enemies as the only cure for those troubles, they are not folks you can have a meaningful discussion with. They are closed minded. Our present American Nazis are the same as all Nazis anywhere, unalterably convinced of their righteousness as they support an angry maniac who calls for immediately rounding up millions and putting them into concentration camps.

The present MAGA threat (rebranded from the Tea Party, rebranded from the John Birch Society — with all of the same longtime players) must be taken seriously, particularly when so many of our 1,000 American billionaires [1] are, by inclination and self-interest, supportive of an American Hitler they can work with. They have been giving mountains of dark money to bring about a glorious white American version of the Thousand Year Reich to permanently solve, among other ills, the extreme and unfair anti-billionaire bias of commies, socialists, trade unionists, integrationists, humanists, intellectuals, fascists and other cannibalistic pedophile cucks.

I’ve been thinking about Hitler’s high water mark of support in the 1932 election, the margin that brought him to power, 37% of German voters. I always shudder to think of that same margin of angry citizens here, Trump’s diehard base. I did five minutes of painstaking internet research today that I share with you now.

In the German parliamentary system in 1932 it took 305 votes to gain a majority. At the peak of the fascist party’s electoral power, in 1932, the Nazis got 37% of the vote and captured 230 seats. I keep thinking of this Nazi 37% which has got to be pretty close to Donald’s diehard support. I don’t believe that 37% of this country is in the Klan or supports American Nazism, necessarily, and though I’d be horrified to learn that such a large number of Americans hold these views, I can’t rule it out either.

The difference between Hitler’s 37% and Trumpie’s is that Hitler’s support was surging in 1932 when he got that 37%. Hitler doubled his numbers from the previous election, in percentage and number of seats in the Reichstag. Donald’s 37% is a stagnant number, he’s not gaining any new voters and he’s not doing anything to create a wave of popular support he can surf into a second term on. Check out these factors (and think of their present-day analogues here in the USA):

Nazi membership rose from 293,000 in September 1930, to almost 1.5 million by the end of 1932. The amount of papers controlled by the party rose from 49 in 1930, to 127 by 1932. Völkischer Beobachter‘s circulation rose from 26,000 in 1929, to over 100,000 in 1931.[5]

Joseph Goebbels was placed in charge of the Nazi’s propaganda and campaign in 1930.[6] Goebbels’ staff was expanded and his role formalized by the Reich Propaganda Directorate (RPL) in 1931.[5] In prior elections the Nazis relied on membership dues, but started receiving financial support from businesses in 1932.[7] The ban on the Sturmabteilung and Schutzstaffel was lifted by Papen, against the pleas of state governments, in exchange for Nazi tolerance of his cabinet.[8]

source

Consolidation of mass media and the market share controlled by right-wing and right-wing friendly corporate forces in the US. — check. An organized propaganda campaign, based on outrageous and infuriating lies that have been disproven many times over — check. The vigorous, secretive support by “businessmen” who in many cases inherited vast fortunes — check.

The one thing they don’t have at the moment is a rising tide of voter support. Which is worrisome in another way — it increases the likelihood of organized chicanery, with proven MAGA extremist fucking Mike Johnson in position to help his master if the MAGA state legislatures who have changed the rules and closed ranks behind MAGA can’t swing the Electoral College their way in the handful of states that decide presidential elections. The fucking Electoral College, a wonderful vestige of the Founding Fathers’ deal with pious Christian enslavers…

[1] I exaggerate, there are just over 800 of these insatiable parasites:

Much of the gains [on the billionaire wealth list] come from the top 20, who added a combined $700 billion in wealth since 2023, and from the U.S., which now boasts a record 813 billionaires worth a combined $5.7 trillion.

source

[2] A few of MAGA Mike’s greatest hits:

The legal brief that Johnson submitted along with 125 of his fellow House Republicans, claimed that “unconstitutional irregularities involved in the 2020 presidential election cast doubt upon its outcome and the integrity of the American system of elections.”

Hours after the January 6, 2021, insurrection was quelled, when Republicans objected to the Democratic electors from Arizona and Pennsylvania, Johnson voted for the objection, which would’ve deprived Biden of 36 electoral votes that he legitimately won.

On the House floor – the scene of an armed standoff, mere hours earlier, between police officers and the pro-Trump mob – Johnson inaccurately claimed there had been  a “usurpation” of authority by judges who changed voting rules in 2020. (In truth, as the Supreme Court later affirmed, judges have the power to review state election laws.)

The longshot bid to nullify the results from Arizona and Pennsylvania, which would’ve disenfranchised 10.3 million voters, was defeated by a bipartisan majority of lawmakers.

source

The Beer Hall Putsch, redux

In 1923 Hitler and a mob of angry, violent, armed supporters in Munich attempted to seize control of Germany in a riot known as the Beer Hall Putsch [1].  The attempted revolution failed, fifteen Nazis were killed along with four policeman and a bystander.   The failed coup made Hitler an international star, thanks to endless speeches he was allowed to make during his trial, the right wing press in Germany and a sympathetic judge who sentenced him to five years for treason and ultimately had him serve nine months.  During that gestation period Hitler lived as a guest of the state, dictated his infamous autobiography to two co-conspirators and changed tactics.  Now he would sway public opinion by pioneering and perfecting Nazi propaganda, relentless, organized, incendiary lies to inspire fear and hatred, come to power legally, and become the Adolf Hitler of destiny.

Ten years of hard work later the Nazi motherfucker and his party won just over 37% of the vote, made a coalition with old school German reactionaries who believed they could  control Hitler, and the rest, as they say, is history.  Germans wouldn’t have to vote again during the twelve long years of the Thousand Year Reich.  Shortly after being named chancellor Hitler watched the Reichstag, the German parliament, go up in flames.  Invoking the Enabling Act of the Weimar constitution he seized emergency powers.  He had opponents beaten, imprisoned, tortured and killed.  He had German society reorganized so that only Nazis held positions of power and respect.  Six years later he invaded Poland, beginning the world war he accused the Jews of arranging.

My point is that Nazis tirelessly play the long game. It is the same with super-wealthy American reactionaries who would be very happy with a compliant dictator to enforce their privileges in perpetuity.

What do you need to make sure your power will be absolute and eternal in a democracy controlled by “majoritarian tyranny”? Select a super-majority of the nine judges who decide the limits of democratic power and individual rights.

How do you gain control of the Supreme Court? Create a well-funded right wing judicial fraternity, as part of a network of influential public relations outfits, recruit bright young reactionaries in law school, get them good jobs, promote them, have them appointed to the federal courts whenever possible. These right wing judges will in turn hire younger fraternity brothers and be promoted themselves. Eventually, through parliamentary chicanery, six of these ideologically pure members of the glorious society will be in place on the nation’s highest court to make rulings that support their patrons and render government oversight and freedom for most people vestiges of a failed experiment.

Perfect Donald and his followers are of great use to this reactionary movement. He has the Hitlerian charisma, to his followers, to dominate corporate media and garner tens of millions of votes. More important, he has no real ideas about anything except aggrandizing himself. Write him a detailed plan that makes him dictator and he’s good. He wants to be dictator, even if only on day one and he is a corrupt “transactional” man willing to compromise on any belief for a price and in order to “win”.

A popular TV savvy Nazi motherfucker with corporate media fawning over his every demented pronouncement, Donald really is a great figurehead for Charles Koch and friends, no matter how much many of them might detest him personally. If you’re a fascist by nature you work with the Hitler history gives you, I suppose. It is also wonderful (to the Kochtopus) that the New York Times and other respected news brands hold two standards, one for America’s favorite semi-coherent Nazi fuck, another much higher one for anyone who opposes him. Here’s the Grey Lady today, number one headline going into the Democratic convention:

Way down the page we read:

God bless these United Shayssssh.

What, me worry?

[1] Wikipedia:

The Beer Hall Putsch, also known as the Munich Putsch,[1][note 1] was a failed coup d’état by Nazi Party (Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei or NSDAP) leader Adolf Hitler, Generalquartiermeister Erich Ludendorff and other Kampfbund leaders in Munich, Bavaria, on 8–9 November 1923, during the Weimar Republic. Approximately two thousand Nazis marched on the Feldherrnhalle, in the city centre, but were confronted by a police cordon, which resulted in the deaths of 15 Nazis, four police officers, and one bystander.[2][3]

Hitler escaped immediate arrest and was spirited off to safety in the countryside. After two days, he was arrested and charged with treason.[4]

The putsch brought Hitler to the attention of the German nation for the first time and generated front-page headlines in newspapers around the world. His arrest was followed by a 24-day trial, which was widely publicised and gave him a platform to express his nationalist sentiments. Hitler was found guilty of treason and sentenced to five years in Landsberg Prison,[note 2] where he dictated Mein Kampf to fellow prisoners Emil Maurice and Rudolf Hess. On 20 December 1924, having served only nine months, Hitler was released.[5][6] Once released, Hitler redirected his focus towards obtaining power through legal means rather than by revolution or force, and accordingly changed his tactics, further developing Nazi propaganda.[7]

Predatory empathy

I am listening to the fascinating The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump, a 2017 collection of essays written by about a dozen experts in various fields that came out after psychiatrist and former Yale Professor Bandy X. Lee convened a conference to discuss the professional duty to warn the public about a threat as dire as Donald. Below is yesterday’s YouTube video posted by Dr. Lee, in which she gives all the background and touts an upcoming September conference in Washington, DC to highlight perfect Donald’s psychopathology and the danger it poses to America and the world.

Lee was fired by Yale for not standing down when the university, the American Psychiatric Association  and the New York Times all told her to shut the fuck up about her professional opinion that she had a duty to warn the public about a danger as enormous as that presented by Donald’s malignant, impulsive, vengeful personality disorder.  They were attempting to silence her pursuant to the nonbinding Goldwater Rule (a rule of the American Association of Psychiatrists) that prevents psychiatric experts from stating conclusions about public officials that any other citizen of the nation is free to make.

The book is a masterclass in the personality type that can never be wrong, must destroy all critics, stubbornly embraces often ridiculous lies to support counterfactual views of the world, coerces others to obey them, on pain of terrible revenge. It is frequently noted that this type lacks empathy, which is certainly true, but one of the author’s notes the supremely fine tuned empathy of the predator toward the prey. He gives the example of a tiger, who must know, in order to succeed in its hunt, the minute changes in the feelings of the animal it intends to make dinner of.

“Goddamn!” I thought as I washed the dishes and listened to this chapter, “I’ve known many people who always acted like they admired and loved me, and seemed so attuned to my feelings and needs, only to turn into aggressive, famished beasts when the time came, in their black and white, nuance-free world, to kill or be killed.”

Here’s Bandy Lee:

Loyalty and malignant normality

Robert J. Lifton, ninety-eight year-old psychiatrist and author of “The Nazi Doctors,” among other works, coined the phrase malignant normality to describe the normalizing of otherwise intolerable behavior.

It became a requirement for believers in Nazi “ideology” to accept that certain populations needed to be exterminated. Any Nazi voicing an objection to this new “normal” would be expelled from the party (and probably much worse). If it is what society normally does, like ripping infants from the hands of desperate parents and sending them a thousand miles away with no hope of a future reunion, then it is, by definition, normal. Normality may also be, as Lifton observed, malignant.

Gabor Mate elaborates on this observation at length in The Myth of Normal. He notes how easily we mistake “normal” for natural, healthy or desirable. If our society is ruled by the destructive myths of powerful psychopaths, there is nothing natural, healthy or desirable about the normality they impose.

The pathology that drives a Hitler, a Donald “Not A Loser!” Trump, a Sloppy Steve Bannon, is well known and easy to see. They cannot trust another human and therefore require unchecked power and loyalty oaths they make others swear to on pain of death. Treason and betrayal must always be punished by painful public execution or others will feel licensed to defy orders and, ultimately, uncover the infallible dictator’s murder-inducing terror of humiliation.

The powerful psychopath’s need for absolute power, their claimed right to define “normality” for everybody else, and a reflex to loyalty on the part of millions of admiring enablers, is the single biggest reason why human history is written in the blood of the meek. Any dissenting voice is the enemy of a maniac who cannot tolerate being questioned, criticized, made to feel vulnerable in any way. Loyalty or the sword, plunged slowly and deliberately through each hand, foot, arm, leg, etc., until you are begging for death. Which will it be, bitch?

Postal Inspector General’s report

Why would Louis DeJoy refuse to postmark ballots on the day they are received?

I attended the supremely unenlightening August 8th quarterly meeting of the postal board of governors. You can read my summary of that opaque corporate charade here.

More than one governor referred listeners to the Postal Inspector General’s recent report on postal operations. They gave no details, except to tout the report. They gave no link to the report, but a quick search showed a July 30, 2024 report entitled Election Mail Readiness for 2024. From the postal IG:

In addition, we identified processes and policies that could pose a risk of delays in the processing and delivery of Election and Political Mail. Further, we identified issues related to some Delivering for America operational changes that pose a risk of individual ballots not being counted. [1]

The governors acted with unanimity at the meeting, most avoiding any mention of poor, and declining, on-time delivery rates. They focused on cost savings and increased revenue, almost exclusively. They referred to the IG’s report without providing any context or detail at all. The IG, in the report relating to the upcoming election, notes that DeJoy refused to comply with two of their ten recommendations for improvements to secure the integrity of the mail-in ballot portion of our upcoming election. What is DeJoy refusing to do?

The U.S. Postal Service Office of Inspector General (OIG) considers management’s comments responsive to recommendations 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, and 10, and corrective actions should resolve the issues in the report. We view management’s disagreement with recommendations 5 and 6 as unresolved and will work with management through the formal audit resolution process.

Recommendation 5: Develop and implement a process for delivery units to segregate Election Mail identified as Postal Automated Redirection System Mail prior to sending it back to a mail processing facility.

Recommendation 6: Update the postmarking policy so that all operations can postmark mail-in ballots.

We are deep in the corporate weeds here, but DeJoy is refusing to have a process for segregating election mail and for updating the policy so that all ballots can be promptly postmarked. Why would that be?

Could it have anything to do with the $2,500,000 DeJoy donated to Donald and the RNC in 2016? Could it have anything to do with every associate of Donald Trump being corrupt, criminal, spineless, cringing, or all of the above? Is there any reason to trust any associate of the transactional malignant narcissist to do the honest thing?

I feel like recently disgraced Cucker Tarlson, only asking questions, but are these not reasonable questions to ask on the eve of an election that Harris/Walz can win by 20,000,000 votes and not get elected because Donald got 10,000 more surgically placed votes in the Electoral College?

[1] What We Found

The Postal Service developed an Election Mail and Political Mail Guidebook that provides employees with many of the key resources that explain the longstanding, special-handling procedures required to facilitate the timely processing and delivery of Election Mail and Political Mail. For the period from December 1, 2023, to April 30, 2024, the Postal Service processed Political and Election Mail with on time processing scores ranging from 97.01 to 98.17 percent. However, as a result of our observations and inquiries, we found that Postal Service personnel did not always comply with policy and procedures regarding all clear certifications, Election and Political Mail logs, and audit checklists. In addition, we identified processes and policies that could pose a risk of delays in the processing and delivery of Election and Political Mail. Further, we identified issues related to some Delivering for America operational changes that pose a risk of individual ballots not being counted.

Recommendations and Management’s Comments

We made ten recommendations to address the issues identified in the report. Postal Service management agreed with eight recommendations and disagreed with two. Postal Service management’s comments and our evaluation are at the end of each finding and recommendation. The U.S. Postal Service Office of Inspector General (OIG) considers management’s comments responsive to recommendations 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, and 10, and corrective actions should resolve the issues in the report. We view management’s disagreement with recommendations 5 and 6 as unresolved and will work with management through the formal audit resolution process.

How long it can take to learn simple things

I am an old man, made older by an implanted prosthetic left knee that developed an intractable inflammation and limits my walking to the range of an 85 year-old. I am grateful to have finally learned this simple but elusive life lesson, after experiencing it many times since childhood: those who act abusively toward you are incapable of doing anything else.

You can employ every trick you know to get along with someone who occasionally treats you with contempt, in the end, your best efforts will earn you more contempt and anger. When you see rage, get away from it. It took me 67 years to learn this seemingly simple thing, and I am grateful to know it now, but damn.

How can something so simple be so hard to see? Our need for love and connection is powerful. We are instructed, by virtually everyone, in the importance of forgiveness. If someone we have a deep connection with acts like a psychopath once in a blue moon, the proper thing seems to be to see it in the context of a long, loving relationship and forget about it. It makes us feel good to act with this kind of philosophical maturity. It also marks us as the perfect victim of an enraged loved one who needs to take their anger out on others from time to time.

Not so easy to look dispassionately at someone who swears they love us, someone we have shared many a wonderful time with, and grasp the brokenness in them, the terrible damage that makes them lash out unfairly, always blame others, insist on their indignant right to rage whenever they need to, at whomever they choose to direct it. Someone who acts this way is not a good partner for anything important. They are not someone you can work with or trust with your vulnerability. They lack all problem solving tools and any ability to compromise. Whenever the slightest conflict arises they always lash out in boundless, childish frustration.

Love them or not, believe their protestations that they love you or not, these damaged souls cannot be fixed. Not by you, not by a team of the world’s greatest experts. There is only one productive way to deal with them. It is not by trusting them to act less abusively next time. It is by completely removing yourself from their reach.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is learning this hard lesson and walking away from these unredeemable creatures whenever you encounter them. There is nothing you can do for them, and equally hopeless, nothing they can do for you — except rage at you, when the time is right.

Corporate media loves a strong man with a good story

Forget that psychologically those who pose as strong men are always the weakest of men. As far as a compelling story for the public to click on, as pure drama, the persecuted underdog who prevails and becomes leader of the Free world is a good story.

Sidebar, and not unrelated. Years ago, during the worst stress of my horrifying years working in the courts, I felt my aggravation rising one night and was afraid I was having a heart attack. I walked 3/4 of a mile to the closest emergency room, which should probably have told me all I needed to know about whether I was having a heart attack or not.

After a long wait they checked me in, I was feeling much better by then, and I heard the doctor tell his colleague that I was a good story. I thought this was good news and when the doctor returned I told her I was going home.

She cautioned me against it, advised an overnight in the hospital and said that if I wanted to leave I had to sign a document saying I was leaving the hospital against medical advice. I said  “you just said I was a good story.”  She explained that when ER docs are talking about a suspected heart attack, a good story is a man your age, your basic shape, and exhibiting the agitated aggravation that you have been exhibiting since you came in. “It makes you a good story to have a heart attack, in other words.“

Fuck me blind, I thought, as I signed myself out against medical advice and later came back to check in. It left me pondering the flexibility of the phrase “a good story.” Horrifying, sickening stories are also good stories, to fans of those genres.

This entire piece by Lawrence O’Donnell is excellent, contrasting corporate media’s lap dog acquiescence to (and normalizing of) Trump’s outrageous incoherence while it snarls contemptuously at Biden’s press secretary in pursuit of a fanciful story that Biden is a senile vegetable with a team of lying neurologists on call.   He notes that the story about the lying neurologist and Biden’s senility were never reported on because it turns out there was absolutely no story there.  But the press snarled and yelled over each other as the press secretary patiently and truthfully fielded as many of their shouted questions as she could get to.

He points out that mass media is giving Trump the same primadonna treatment it gave him in 2016.  Airing a rambling, lie-filled “press conference” live from Mara-Lago where he answered not a single question, and was asked no follow-up to anything. O’Donnell  compared this fawning coverage to the complete news blackout on Kamala Harris, at the same moment addressing the UAW live, and in between he showed the press repeatedly challenging Biden, who answered each question, and screaming at Biden’s press secretary about unfounded allegations of the cover up of his unfounded  neurological decline. 

The din in the White House press room and the aggressiveness of the screamed out challenges in stark contrast to the glazed silence that meets everything that pours out of corporate meal ticket Donald Trump’s mouth.

O’Donnell, in spite of his brilliance, doesn’t seem to realize who he works for, I guess, but his point is very important and the clip well worth your time.

Impossible irony

For a period of time I persisted in writing impossible letters, longshot attempts to persuade people I cared about to communicate with me, even as I knew they were now well beyond reasonable discussion. These letters attempted to do something no letter can do, silently get through to someone on the other side of a locked, fortified door and change their heart. I have a number of them here on this blahg. That I kept writing these letters is proof that I had not yet grasped an essential feature of human life — there are deeply rooted emotional positions that can never be changed.

I wrote these letters to try to repair painful estrangements. Only one, a letter to an old friend, a rabbi, ever achieved its short-term goal of reestablishing dialogue. That letter was perfected over the course of weeks, calmly making every painful point I needed to make while removing anything that could make the rabbi, who had behaved with surprising hostility toward me, feel defensive. It appealed irresistibly to his desire to be a mensch, to be admired, forgiven, to have his vanity stroked. We had a single warm but pointless talk as a result of that excellent letter. I realize now that the most moving letter I can write will change nothing.

At one point, after much agonizing, I wrote one of these letters to my niece and nephew, after years of estrangement. My sister is humiliated about certain true things that I witnessed in her family. She lives in terror of my big fucking mouth. If her children had relationships with me, the odds, she fears are overwhelming that eventually I would impart some of these humiliating true things to her children and she would never be able to reclaim their admiration and love.

A smart young man, around my niece’s age, offered to read the drafts of the letter and give me his feedback. He soon found himself at a loss. I mentioned to his father what a hard job his son had signed on to, and that I felt a little bad to have put that weight on him. The father volunteered to read the letter-in-progress as well. In the end, father and son both told me that my final draft of the letter was warm, loving and an excellent attempt at reaching out. I sent it.

I never heard back from my niece or my nephew. I have not heard from my sister since the letter to her children arrived. That was around three years ago. Now for a bit of impossible irony.

My old friends’ son, who had read the letter, visited us in a rented vacation house. He was unusually hopped up. His father had shared my pain about the silence from my niece and nephew. There was inexplicable, rising tension in that house that eventually became unbearable. Within a year the son would move back in with his parents and, two days later, be locked in a mental ward. His father and mother, after months of silence punctuated by anger, would be spreading the dubious, but apparently emotionally convincing, claim that I am the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler. I am dead to all of them. At least I’ve finally grasped the ridiculousness of writing impossible letters.

We live and learn, those of us capable of profiting from our most painful mistakes. Many have learned everything essential that they will ever learn by the time they are two years old, clenching their fists and vowing never to be hurt again, no matter what kind of person they are obliged to become. Writing a letter hoping to successfully question this kind of rigid, brittle self-confidence is pointless. Success is impossible, and the mission is futile, if also a supreme artistic challenge. I have finally learned that it is hubris to expect to succeed in that particular challenge.