For those who can heal from abusive treatment by those who were supposed to take care of us when we were helpless, or from dear lifelong friends or family members, the process can take a long time. Decades of programming were involved, making us believe that we were the problem, that only we could fix something that is by its nature unfixable. If someone is damaged enough to consistently abuse people they claim to love, there is nothing the improperly loved one can do about it. There are several distinct steps an adult can take to this healing. There is no timetable for this, I’m sorry to say, but it is encouraging to know that healing can 100% happen.

The first step is to understand the dynamic. You are forced to present a false, always conciliatory face to those who treat you unkindly, particularly right after they mistreat you. This is an iron law of abusers — they blame you for making them treat you harshly. Nobody has ever consistently abused another person without putting the entire blame on that other person. A person who acts abusively actually believes they are justified in acting that way. They are damaged beyond hope of changing, most of the time. It is hard to believe this of someone you love, but the first step for getting out of a sick relationship is seeing it for what it is. If the entire relationship rests on you being eternally conciliatory, always accepting the full blame for any conflict, you are not in a healthy relationship.

The second step, I think, is listening to your body. Your body often knows the deal before your conscious mind does. Your muscles tense, you feel exhausted, your lungs hurt, your digestion gets disrupted, your body will give you all the signs you need that something is very wrong. Cause and effect demonstrates that if all of these things happened right after a confrontation with someone who can never be wrong, you need to understand what your body is telling you. You may want to believe you can work things out with anyone, particularly a longtime loved one. Your body will tell you, without any ambiguity, that you can’t work things out with someone who angrily demands you recognize that they can never be wrong and that all anger is your fault alone.

The final step, once you understand you are dealing with an implacably angry person who can’t be wrong, is to truly stop caring what these abusers say or do. If you can’t have a reasonable conversation and work out any conflict with a loved one, you don’t have a relationship worth saving. This addition by subtraction is a wonderful gift to give yourself. Once you truly internalize the necessity of doing this you are prepared not to fall into the trap of the charming person who idealizes you in order to use you and mistreat you, whenever the occasion demands. It is a beautiful feeling to finally know there is nothing better you can do than avoid this type. And that you now have the tools to avoid these fuckers.

The cherry on top is when you realize you have no feelings about it afterwards, outside of relief. When you stop brooding over what you’ve allowed yourself to endure at the hands of a damaged person, when their name brings up little feeling, when you have no doubt that you’ve done the only sane thing, that feels very much like a deep wound has finally healed.