Please don’t misunderstand.   I try my best to live by my understanding of Ahimsa, non-harm.    I wish more people did this.   I do my best to remain mild and to pause, and think, before I react.   I try to listen and help when I can.  When I can’t help, I try not to hurt.

But I come from, and live in, a toxicly competitive society.  My father was, in his own humble way, a monster.  He conformed to a monstrous system trying to gain the respect and dignity it was impossible for someone with his tragic history of trauma to find on his own.  I had my share of hard knocks, as most of us do.  I dropped as far out of this sickening competition for everything as I dared to.   So, the rage is definitely baked in there, baby, though I live my life mindful of keeping my temper under control and directing it where it actually belongs.  (Computers, phones, robots and any other AI-type corporate technology that fucks me notwithstanding).

Meaning, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I am capable of the same violence everyone else is.

Those who love me, people I’ve known for years, get a bit more of my benefit of the doubt than strangers.   But, if you keep doing the same hurtful thing, and when I ask for mercy you try to make it my problem, eventually, I will, figuratively, break your fucking face for you.   

A few kicks in the balls over the course of many years can be an accident, unless an inviolable pattern emerges.  Instead of an apology, every time I double over you express disgust that I keep making such an issue of your completely unintentional mistake?  

Nah, now I have to make your big nose bleed and you can go cry a river to someone who cares.

Then, back to Ahimsa for me.