If your parent, whenever you were upset and needed comfort, told you that you were weak, cowardly, needy — well, that is a gift that keeps on giving. If they alternated between merciless blaming and name calling and silence, well, silence by way of response will take on a magically painful quality for the rest of your days.

It’s very easy while waiting for a reply, if you’ve been subjected to cruel, strategic silence, to imagine, just because somebody is being silent (they could, of course, be busy, preoccupied, forgetful, distracted, ill, in a crisis, taking care of someone else), that they are silently seething at you. You can picture them glaring, arms folded, in a hostile posture of complete opposition and denial. Whatever you say their answer is ready – a silent glare of negation and blame.

Silence, to which you have been morbidly sensitized from before you can do anything to defend yourself against it, will be your kryptonite. Loved ones who know this about you, when smarting over their own issues, may deploy it from time to time, as blamelessly as the parent who simply kept quiet when you most needed a few sympathetic words.

The emotional mind is literally like a bucking bronco sometimes. When it starts to kick all you can do is take a few deep breaths and use your rational mind to try to rein it in. “This steep path is very rocky, “ you might say calmly to your bucking bronco mind, trying to recall it to reason. “There’s a long drop down the side, maybe a thousand feet… OK, OK … there you go… there you go, good mind, good mind!”