A fear of shame being revealed drives desperation. Feel desperate enough and you will lie, commit violence, do anything necessary. The terror of having your shame revealed is behind most unreasonable demands, contempt and much of the violence in the world. Shame is the engine of abuse.

My father, according to my sister, led a shame-based life. She reached this astute conclusion shortly after he died. He wished for peace and justice, admired peacemakers and those with the courage to fight for justice, was a friend of the underdog — yet his shame made him maniacally oppress and abuse those closest to him. He couldn’t help it.

I don’t excuse his actions, everyone in pain who hurts others is responsible for their own healing, but I understand that the humiliation he suffered as a baby disabled him in a fundamental way. He lived his life in terror of ever feeling as helpless, and ashamed, as he did when his mother terrorized him as an infant. That his children had no intention of humiliating him never seemed to have occurred to him.

The need to dominate others arises in people with deep shame. As any despot or bully knows, as soon as you show vulnerability, you’re finished. So you need to ruthlessly dominate anyone you feel challenges your dominance, there can be no compromise with your indomitable will. Your need to be invulnerable blocks out all other human aspirations. The need to dominate others leads to a lonely fucking life, in my observation.

Shameful things, hidden, acquire a terrible power. If I know your shame, and hold it over you like a sword, I can torture you with it at will. How does one liberate oneself from shame? It’s got to be a long and painful process. Imagine your wife is holding some shameful secret of yours as a nuclear option with the kids, if you get too far out of line. Picture a guy who reacts as though whipped in the face when his wife playfully calls him a faggot. In a sense we are all playing poker here in the world, holding our cards close, trying not to tip our hands. Then, there are tells.