I am sure you noted this, but after  I was done writing that piece yesterday I realized it myself.   

I believed that people can’t change.  I also couldn’t give my children most of what kids need as they grow up.  It was just a handicap I had, something I had no control over.  When I was dying, seeing you so mild, I pretended to believe in change for your sake, to belatedly give you some little piece of what you might need.  I pretended.

It just hit me, being able to pretend for someone else’s sake … a big change.