Lost My Pants

I have to get back to work, I am long, long overdue to get back on my house-cleaning schedule, and determined to get on it immediately, but I thought this was interesting enough to take a quick break to tap out.

I have been losing things lately, something that is not like me.  In spite of the chaos in my apartment, it has been rare, until recently, that I actually lose anything of any importance to me.  Hard to believe, if you look at the shifting stacks of papers, books, small items, shirts, musical instruments balanced everywhere in haphazard piles.  Take my word for it, though, keys, pens, glasses, chargers, important papers, almost never mislaid.

But lately a long-time favorite pen, expensive and hand-tooled, a cherished gift I always clipped on to my right front pants pocket– gone.   Like a kick in the stomach.   A couple of other less important things, too.  Troubling indications that I have to right the psychic ship.

The other night I went to the laundromat, washed, dried and folded a new pair of pants.  Took all my clothes home, put them away, went to Sekhnet’s the next day.  Came back a few days later, took a shower, went to put on a clean pair of pants.    No pants.

Slipped on a barrel with suspenders, like a cartoon character, dashed desperately over to the laundromat.   A glance at the lost and found pile, a few ratty towels and orphan socks, told me someone had taken the new pair of laundered, neatly folded pants I’d left on the counter above the rest of the laundry.  Why wouldn’t they?  No pants, crap…

This was a problem easily solved, and I did so directly.  Website of the store I’d got the pants in, ordered three pairs (they are not expensive pants), tapped in a bunch of numbers from the old tarjeta del credito and waited.  Following the progress of the shipment on-line, it was a matter of only four days before the USPS was scheduled to deliver my new pants.  Today was the day.   

Waited around for the buzzer from the postal worker telling me the box of pants had arrived.  Four o’clock, no buzzer, what the hell?  Went down to the lobby to check for a notice.  Opened the mailbox and there inside was a bag of pants.  How did they get three pairs of pants into a bag and inside a narrow mail box, I wondered.

“They must be pants like the Cockroach’s” theorized Sekhnet.  She was referring to the special lap-dancing pants a one-time friend had described to me years ago.  This connoisseur wore the thinnest pants available, they had the added advantage of being easily paper-toweled dry in the men’s room and made ready for the next dance.

She called him the Cockroach because of my description of her body language the first time they met.  He considered himself very charming, irresistible to women, and comported himself accordingly.  As I walked toward them in the hallway Sekhnet was leaning steeply backwards, away from him, as though recoiling from a human sized cockroach.   She looked in danger of falling backwards on her head, or jumping out of her skin.  He was pumping her hand, smiling from ear to ear, telling her how pleased he was to meet her.  She seemed to be wondering where she’d find a can of Raid big enough to spray this sucker.  

“Yeah,” I said, “they must be the like Cockroach’s.”  I opened the bag, three pairs, thin as you please, just in time for winter in NYC.  Now I just have to figure out how to make some space to put them away. 

A protest out the window

My rented apartment is in the back, away from the noise of the cars on the avenue that comes into the sunny front apartments.  On the window side there is a narrow alley between this old building and the one next door.  Out the back windows there is a larger expanse, a back alley city-scape where a rumble for a low budget version of West Side Story could be filmed.  The apartment is usually quiet and good for sleeping.

Years ago there was a man with Tourrets living across the alley.  In moments of my own frustration I would pause to listen to his outbursts, unintelligible growlings of rage, and think “the man makes a lot of sense.”  Then one day I didn’t hear him anymore.  I read a piece in a newspaper about a guy screaming vehemently at another guy in a nearby bodega and being beaten to death with a baseball bat.  I think it may well have been him.   Now I am the man with Tourrets, though my outbursts tend to be one or two screamed obscenities when the internet goes out suddenly or my computer has some robotic fun with me.

Recently someone moved into the building, seemingly a theremin player.   The theremin was featured on the soundtracks of many black and white horror movies, its quavering, wailing tone sliding eerily from low to high and back.  Used properly, it makes the hair on the spine tingle.  I was lying in bed one day listening to someone methodically going up and down the fluid scale of a theremin.  

After a good while, when the theremin began singing in regular intervals and more typical scales, I recognized these were a soprano’s voice exercises.  “Oh, God,” I thought to myself wearily, “shut the fuck up….”  I turned my head on the pillow so that my mostly clogged ear was facing outward.   The high pitched vocal exercises continued, but were slightly muffled.

After another few minutes a man with windows on the alley could stand it no longer.  “Will you please shut the fuck up?” he called gruffly and politely out his window.   I smiled as the singing stopped.  My smile turned to a smirk as the startled soprano resumed her exercises.  I realized it was time to get out of bed, and distracted myself in the other room as the singer continued to chase her dreams directly above my bed.

Reason vs. Emotion, redux

Here we go again, goddamn it, tap tap tap like a blind man here at the keyboard instead of picking up the phone and being in contact with other humans, like my wonderful nephew or my very cool niece, instead of going visiting, renewing ties with living, breathing creatures.    

Although here on the blank page, things can be set out and pondered in a way that is rare when we sit with others, listening, waiting, thinking we know what they are not hearing, hearing what they are, possibly, not saying.  

“I thought that piece about the ticking time bomb was another screed against Dick Cheney, the personification of evil, I just couldn’t take another one….”  

“Was it about Cheney?”  

“No, not really, but the opening made me think it would be.”  

“Ah-HAH…”

Expectations.  There is what there is and what we think there is.  More precisely, what we feel there is.  Our thoughts and expectations are influenced by our emotions, obviously.   There is no truth-based reason for general optimism or general pessimism, these are features of general mood.  Genetic, perhaps, a tendency toward the major key or the minor key.  Me, I steeped myself in the blues, a five note minor key, that music is in my soul.  The major key, often considered happy and optimistic, set against the sadder minor scales, always gave me an uncomfortable shudder of church.  

The church, to me, in the abstract, an institution that long sanctioned the mistreatment of my kind.  Bad-smelling incense, a super-wealthy institution that tolerates terrible crimes against the most helpless of its own innocents, using shameless threats about God to shame the victims into silence.  And let us not mention the swords wielded and oceans of blood spilled in the name of the Prince of Peace.  “What you do to the least of us you do to ME!” warned Jesus.  The fighting popes had infallible reasons why Jesus didn’t really mean this, skewering the least of us, disemboweling and plundering in the name of Christendom.

 “You mean, I’m sure, to exempt from this merciless portrait of Christianity hundreds of millions of good, kind, generous Christians who take the proper lesson from the life and teachings of Jesus.”  

Yes, thank you,  of course. I certainly do– along with a few billion fine Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists too, and everyone else who practices their religion for the right reasons.  The righteous of all nations have a share of the world to come, no doubt.  I’m painting with a broad, savage brush today, but it doesn’t change the larger truth.  Most people in the world are decent people, most religious people are humble and good in their practice.

The hellishness of the world was set out brilliantly in Catch 22, the concept of Catch 22.  You can get out of the army if you’re crazy.  Plain, clear, merciful.  There is one small caveat, Catch 22.  If you can prove that you actually are crazy —  wanting to leave the army shows that you are actually not crazy, therefore, in the army you will stay.  Catch-uh 22!  This merciless catch sums up the world of men as well as any single concept.  

The precepts of the church are mercy, charity, peace, gentle practices, service, devotion, loving our neighbors, even our enemies, but those precepts do not always translate into following the way of Jesus.  Unscrupulous religious demagogues have always carved out exceptions to Jesus’s love edict for those neighbors who hate our freedom, disagree on any significant aspect of our Christian belief (a sect of religious Christians once fought a hundred year war against another over whose love of Jesus was set out the right way), for people who insist they were born homosexual, or those who shrilly try to hold the church accountable for life-altering crimes against children, or blah blah blah.  

“Oh!  Taking a stand against the institutionalized hypocrisy of the worst of the Church on a Sunday!  Very bold.”

No, that’s not my goal today.  I give the example to show how mood colors our interpretation of the world.  Everything I’ve written above is true, even if not the entire picture.  Does it cancel out the comfort widows and orphans have always taken from the church?  The deep Christian faith that sustained American slaves generation after generation?  

“Why do you have to bring slavery into it, pantload?”  

Because Christianity was indispensable to ‘the Peculiar Institution’, as you know.

“Jeez, you’re in a mood today….” 

One slave ship captain had a revelation as he was steering another ship full of captured Africans across the murderous Middle Passage to lives of almost unceasing torment.  According to the story he turned the boat around, released all the prisoners, got out of the human trafficking business.  He wrote Amazing Grace, the hymn about God saving a wretch like him.  One of the most popular hymns around, they probably sang it at Klan rallies too.

“They didn’t sing it at fucking Klan rallies!  Have you no decency?! What the hell are you on about?”  

Catch-22.  

“The thing you need to do is shave, shower, go outside and visit a sick person.  Put on a clown nose and cheer up a dying child in a cancer ward.  Go find homes for one or two of those adorable, doomed little kittens.  Spread some goddamned joy, instead of ruminating on the horrors of the church.  The horrors of the church, the horrors of the church…  Jesus, how goddamned original….” 

Catch-22– the things that would help my mood the most today, my mood prevents me from doing.  

Suddenly, in my head is the Temptations great version of “I Can’t Get Next to You”, one of the greatest tracks ever spun on a piece of vinyl. I can turn the grey sky blue-uh, I can make it rain, whenever I want it to… but the things I want to do the most, I’m unable to do.

“Unable, or unwilling?”

You clearly know nothing of my work.

Heard a great TED Talk about addiction

It turns out that, sure every rat in a cage with a button to administer an instant orgasm will die with his or her paw on the button, and that same rat, alone, will prefer drugged water to plain, until death, but this may not prove much about addiction.  These are rats in solitary, they behave differently than rats in a Rat Park where they have good food, a social life, best friends, sex, exercise, rat toys, treats, things that rats really dig.   The rats in the Rat Park drink the regular water because they’re thirsty from having fun, they are not looking for the drug water to take them out of their dreary, isolated existence in solitary confinement.  

Turns out, as TED speaker Johann Hari makes a good case, that drug addiction is a response to misery and isolation more than a genetically hard-wired disease, chemical problem or moral weakness.   I always love those who can hold their liquor pontificating about sobriety and the need to punish people addicted to arbitrarily illegalized drugs.  We live in a binge and gorge and hoard-more-than-we-can-use society where we are marketed to all day long to stoke our longing for newer and better things to buy and have — hard for me to see the kid getting high as a criminal.  The TED talk on this was very well-done.

I like TED talks, many of them are great, few of them are not at least interesting and well-done.  But there is a sinister side to the silently corporate sponsored TED events that makes me want to say, and I hope you will forgive this outburst, “suck my ass, TED!”  Check out the price of admission, once you apply for your ticket:

Picture 2

Picture 4

Yes, that’s $8,500.  Put up or shut up, yo.  Nobody’s holding a gun to your head.

But… besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, this is still the greatest country in the world

Those in our great and wealthy nation who are cruelly fucked need to understand it is usually nothing personal.  Truly.  Nobody gives a shit about you as an individual, that is what the cruel part of cruel fucking is all about.  You as a person are erased, but it’s nothing personal.   The mistreatment was not meted out to you as an individual, so don’t get so individually indignant, man.   Let us look at the case of American blacks, for example.  Let’s take a short historical look at this cruel fucking, see if we can put it in perspective.

We should all be able to agree that the deliberate murder of perhaps ten million African ancestors during the mass kidnapping of slave laborers to the New World was an inhuman atrocity.   As bad as the Holocaust with a capital H was, and as many millions murdered, the sickening carnage of the “Middle Passage” makes any decent person want to vomit as much as the black and white film of rubbery skeletal cadavers being dumped down chutes in the death camps does, or Henry Morgenthau’s contemporary accounts of the nauseating brutality of the genocide Turks inflicted on the Armenians during WW I, or any modern-day version, for that matter.   There is no comparing mass murders, they are all the same.   Done with that argument, OK?

We can agree, one would hope, that slavery was an unmitigated evil that caused irreparable harm, while creating and concentrating vast wealth, and led eventually to a cataclysmic outburst of mass psychosis in which three quarters of a million, mostly poor, Americans lost their lives in combat, (more than the total of American dead in all other wars combined)  another quarter million dead civilians, not to mention the countless maimed, amputated, brain damaged.  The war was fought, as most are, to preserve the privilege of the wealthy who stood to lose a fortune, and their genteel way of life, if slavery was abolished.  There was talk, for a time, about 40 acres and a mule for every freed slave, to minimally compensate them for their centuries of unpaid labors and to put them on their feet as free families.   Nothing was ever done about that, there were soon much more pressing problems for America to deal with.   After the war the nation went into the worst economic depression in its hundred year history, at the end of which the robber barons made untold monopoly fortunes.  For the masses of all colors — mostly misery.  

The only good thing about the Civil War– the end of slavery.  The 13th Amendment made slavery illegal under the U.S. Constitution, except that the Supreme Court quickly put the 14th Amendment, enacted to protect the rights of freed slaves, into a judicially crafted ninety year deep sleep.  While the 14th Amendment slumbered the Ku Klux Klan put on the kind of horror show that hate-filled sore losers with weapons are apt to put on, if not restrained by the law.   A century of terrorism, protected by state laws upheld by the Supreme Court’s perverse 1873 14th Amendment ruling (the resurrected 14th has been in place now for fifty years and tens of thousands of cases brought under it), which gave the former rebel states, who had taken up arms against the nation they seceded from, the last word on the treatment of its citizens, including former slaves.

It is not surprising that the lot of former slaves was hard in the former Confederacy.  

A mass migration northward towards decent paying industrial jobs resulted in a large gathering of the descendants of slaves in the ghettos of major cities.  The decent paying industrial jobs eventually were sent places where the corporations could pay the workers less and therefore keep more of the profits.  Ghettos traditionally have the worst city services, worst schools, highest crime, highest unemployment rates, most repressive policing, and currently– a school to prison pipeline.  And as prisons are increasingly privatized, finally a profitable use for the bulk of these disaffected, often angry, sometimes violent, sons and daughters of the ghettos.  

So while some of us felt proud recently that America had its great post-racial photo-op, a very accomplished and unique half-black man is currently president, it is good to keep things in perspective.   It’s not post-racial in ghettos and housing projects, or in prisons, or on Ivy League campuses or in corporate board rooms.  This country is as divided in many ways, including matters of basic civil rights and race, as it was immediately prior to the Civil War.  Millions of Americans, of all races and every national origin, are simply, how to put this tastefully?… fucked.  

People who are the recipients of sex they did not consent to are often deeply disturbed by the experience.   That said, if it is done on an institutional level, and you live in a democracy where, unless your point of view has billions to spend selling itself via free speech, you have almost no voice as an individual and you must not take it personally.  You really must not take it personally, man.

Really, I mean… you know what I’m saying? 

Normal

A year or two ago I saw a plainspoken philosopher speaking to Bill Moyers about our culture of cruelty.  I forget the insightful man’ s name, but I will never forget his comment after playing a clip of a campus cop nonchalantly walking along a row of seated peaceful college protesters and spraying them in their faces with orange mace from a huge, seemingly inexhaustible, canister.  The campus cop did this with the body language of somebody watering a garden with a hose.

“He’s doing this like it’s a normal thing to do,” said the philosopher calmly, but with appropriate horror.  He then showed a campus police force with a tank, surplus from our many recent and ongoing wars.  He detailed the widespread militarization of police forces all over the country, essentially an army of occupation in the many slum areas of our great nation.  Heavily armed SWAT teams in flak jackets and combat helmets, wielding automatic weapons, breaking down doors and storming in to break up illegal card games, apprehend dangerous people who are bagging marijuana.

Normal.   A frightening word in many ways, when you think of what is normal today.  It is normal for very wealthy people to want and be able to own everything, there is no shame attached to this normal desire, no matter the consequences.   It is normal for an angry or frightened person to defend himself with a gun — he now has a right to “stand his ground” in many states, even if he went looking for trouble and the ground he is standing on is far from his home and castle, the traditional boundaries of where he has long been free to defend himself with deadly force, if he could not flee to safety.  It is normal, depending on where you’re from, to kill your unmarried daughter or sister if she exchanges flirtatious glances with a man.  Honor killing, it’s normally called.

It was normal, in 1776 when Thomas Jefferson, with his gift for a felicitous phrase, was putting together The Declaration of Independence, the charter of American democracy that lit the torch of human freedom, for people of means to own other people as property.  We hold these truths, being wise men capable of holding more than one truth at a time, to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, and so forth, and that, at the same time, we may hold great, easily liquidated, wealth in the form of human chattel.  I myself, he might have added, presently own a few hundred of them and I love ’em.

Of course, when I write this way it is easy to nitpick: nobody likes Honor Killing, or the grotesque inequalities between the 1% and the rest of society (except, perhaps, most of the 1%), or the American plague of carnage by gun masquerading as Constitutionally protected freedom (except for millions of American gun owners, the NRA and the politicians they purchase or rent), or slavery, for that matter.  But there is another side to these things, normal though they may also be, that makes discussing them a bit more complicated.  To denounce terrible things on the internet is about the easiest exercise there is.  Why not challenge myself, you ask?

OK.  Thomas Jefferson, it is safe to presume by his writings, had much better intentions than he was able to live out, though his life was, in most outward respects, normal and respectable for a wealthy Virginian of his time.   He probably truly loved the beautiful, light-skinned mother of his four children born over the course of their long affair.  Although each of these children was born nine months after a Jefferson stay on Monticello, each looked white and at least one had a striking resemblance to Thomas Jefferson, even though Sally was his chambermaid, even though each of the children was given preferred work in the manor house, and all were eventually freed (virtually the only of Jefferson’s slaves to have been released from bondage) the master’s patrimony of Beverly, Madison, Eston and Harriet Hemings was indignantly denied for 150 years after Jefferson’s death — and to this day, by some, almost 200 years later, in spite of the DNA match and other strong evidence.  

In a better world he would have married his devoted servant, a delicate and cultured woman fluent in French, as Jefferson was, loved her openly, embraced and educated his children and grandchildren by her.   In this world he quietly freed the slave children by letting the first couple escape when they came of age to do so — they looked white and were easily able to “pass” and assimilate into the racist society of the time– and freed the others in his will.  He had promised the slave mother, Sally, in exchange for the pregnant teenager’s agreement to leave freedom in Paris and return to Monticello as his slave, that he would free their children at 21 and he kept his word.  Sally too was discreetly freed not long after Jefferson’s death.  I have always held these deplorable things (excluding, of course, the promises he kept) against the Author of Liberty.

Here are a few little known but devilish details that help explain Jefferson’s dilemma.  Under Virginia law at the time, had Jefferson freed Sally she could not have remained in Virginia beyond a year and a day.  It would have meant parting with his long-time lover or seeking a court-order allowing her to stay, and giving good reasons in the court filing for this dispensation from the law.   The publicity would have destroyed Jefferson’s career.  

Here’s an even more devilish detail:  Jefferson’s mentor and lifelong friend George Wythe had, after his wife’s death, a love affair with a one-time slave of his, Lydia Broadnax.  Wythe freed her, got the legal paperwork in order so that she could stay in Virginia, and may have had a son by her (this is Fawn Brodie’s conclusion, disputed by others based on Broadnax’s age when the child was born).   What is undisputed is that the free-born mulatto Michael Brown was tutored by Wythe, that the teenager was  very devoted to Wythe and that the aged Wythe provided well for him and Lydia Broadnax in his will.  

Learning of this, Wythe’s grandnephew, who had stolen valuable books from Wythe’s library and forged Wythe’s name on checks, outraged on being written out of the will, his inheritance going to people then normally known as niggers, promptly poisoned Brown, Wythe and Lydia Broadnax, killing both men.   They died agonizing deaths over the course of almost two weeks.  The woman survived, but was prevented by Virginia law from testifying in court to seeing what she understood too late: the young man putting arsenic in the coffee.  Other blacks had seen the grandnephew dispose of arsenic before his arrest and from his prison cell (he apparently had a lot of it) but they also were prevented by Virginia law from testifying in court. 

The murder trial in Virginia was attended by great publicity, and Wythe’s grandnephew, skillfully defended by zealous attorneys, glad for the exclusion of black eyewitness accounts and using inside knowledge of the perfunctory autopsies to create reasonable doubt, was acquitted of all charges.   You can imagine the outrage in Virginia had a white man been sentenced to death for killing the sort of people Wythe’s grandnephew had killed.   George Wythe, although a famous and respected legal mind, one of the greatest Virginians of his day, signer of the Declaration of Independence, beloved of Thomas Jefferson, recipient of the largest funeral in Virginia up to that time, was also someone who taught Greek and law to a free black boy, and treated the kid like a son, after all.

If Jefferson had a sudden, crazy, fleeting thought about marrying Sally and legitimizing their children, the last chapter in George Wythe’s distinguished life story would have put an end to that.

And so it goes with each of these “normal” things.   There are reasons, always.  Even if the reasons are later seen to be immoral, insane, vicious– they are the underpinnings of law at the time, they form the moral norms of the era.  

Fifteen or twenty years ago, when Israel used a drone to blow up a car and execute some people Israel claimed were terrorist masterminds, there was a lot of controversy over this extrajudicial killing.  For one thing, it was illegal under international law at the time.   It is one thing for a team of daring secret agents to get up close to cunning, uncapturable terrorist masterminds (or, depending on your view, freedom fighters), through skill, guts and determination, and quietly inject them with something to induce a heart attack.  Or slit their throats.  Or sabotage the brakes on their car before engaging them in a high speed car chase over dangerous terrain.   It is a different thing altogether to have a robotic plane flying by remote control to distant places to kill people who are blips on a computer screen.

Again, when Israel first practiced these extrajudicial executions by drone, it was extremely controversial. Today it is perfectly normal, as plain and unobjectionable as a glass of cool, pasteurized milk. The president of the United States today looks at a list of names of people to be killed extrajudicially and says “go ahead.”  One day one of the names on the kill list is of an American citizen whose father has brought a lawsuit in US federal court to stop the expected killing by drone.  The president, in this case, consults with legal experts, decides there is a perfectly valid exception under American law, the killing is legally justifiable, and, anyway, no court will ever hear the case.  Done— kill him.   A week or two later the guy’s teenage son, also an American citizen, shows up on the list — or maybe not.  “What the fuck?” reasons the president, if he hesitates at all,  and on his order the strike is carried out and the American kid is also killed.  We’ll never know how it went, since everything to do with the kill lists is highly classified.

“He should have been more careful when choosing his fucking father, the little bitch!” was the administration’s entire public response to the question of how do you kill an American boy with absolutely no ties to terrorism?   The president’s press secretary said it smirkingly when asked about the execution of the boy and three friends who were eating at an outdoor cafe in some remote region of Yemen.  A total of eight were killed by that missile, we’ll never know who the others were, except that, apparently none were the target, an Egyptian al-Queda member.

In a perfect world, I walk up to the press secretary, clench my right hand and break his nose.  “You can give a better answer than that,” I would tell him encouragingly, helping him up off the floor like the nonviolent devotee of Ahimsa that I am.  Then the White House press corps and the international TV audience would get the real answer.

“We killed him by mistake, we had no good reason for killing him… his name was never on the kill list, he was collateral dam…. uh, he was another innocent civilian killed in our endless, borderless war against Terror, I mean… one of perhaps thousands of nameless, faceless people killed for the crime of living somewhere our intelligence determines is also home to those who hate our freedom enough to plot to murder us.  It just happens we later learned his name, and that he was a 16 year-old American, that he’d done nothing wrong, and that he was killed with other boys who probably had nothing to do with terrorism, along with four others who it is not worth talking about.  Look, mistakes are made… the passive voice used…. oh, goddamn it, leave me alone!!!”

That would have been a perfectly normal reaction.  Much more normal, at any rate, than what I have been doing so far today. 

If You Believe…

What is the harm in believing your adoring maternal grandmother and seeing yourself as a talented person uniquely qualified to leave something worthwhile for society when you go?  

I can see a few pitfalls in that sentence:  the blinded grandmother with her six dead siblings, dozens of nieces and nephews never seen, described in Yiddish letters that stopped coming in 1942 or ’43, buried with everyone else in that ravine to the north of town, has many reasons to be unreliable.  

My grandmother (my mother’s mother, not the one who whipped my infant father in the face, I never met that one, she died before I was born) was a talented woman, a dressmaker who could see a garment, remember it, buy the material (as she always called fabric) and put one like it together in a few hours, cutting with large scissors, working at her sewing machine and mannequin.  After she retired, between copious draughts of straight vodka, she could go with a wealthy neighbor to a fancy Miami Beach store and look at dresses.  They could pick out the general cut of one, the neckline of another, the detailing on a third, the material of a fourth.  She never made a sketch, kept it all in her head. Her customers always loved the dresses she made, but does that make her an authority on talents that uniquely equip one to tackle and carry out the impossible?   Hardly.

I believe that everyone possesses talents, many of which they are unaware of.  This loss to the world is largely the work of our capitalistic society — only major league talent that can beat the competition is talent worth paying for.  Everyone else with your unmonetized talents — you got a hobby you like, good for you.  I had a grandmother who wanted badly to believe that her only grandson was a genius destined for fame and wealth. She needed to believe it more than most grandmothers, with only her daughter, her granddaughter and me the last shot at keeping alive the genetic line.   I have not kept alive the genetic line, except in myself so far, though my sister has a daughter and a son.  

Back to my belief that many people have great talents they are unaware of, an example:

I was riding in the back seat of a car, behind the driver. There was music on the sound system, it sounded good, a woman singer or two harmonizing beautifully.  I knew this music, but was not aware of the version with the harmony singer on it.  I discovered it was the driver, singing live with wonderful pitch and a great voice, a woman who does not consider that she has any musical talent, a woman who’d be embarrassed if I told her how impressed I was.  Her husband, unaccountably and nonchalantly, also has a great voice, a remarkable memory for a tune he’s heard once — yet, also, no musician.   It mystifies me with these two: all of their children play instruments and are excellent singers.  Yet they…. well, I wouldn’t understand, as they tell me, since I’m a musician.

I consider talent a near universal thing, every individual possessing some particular gift, and it is sad to me that here in Free Market World so many of these talents are hidden, wasted, not contributing wonderful things in every area of life.   There are untapped and valuable talents beyond the easy artistic ones that come to mind.   Some have an innate talent for organizing information, a talent for talking soothingly to groups of people, a talent for seeing the larger structure and fixing problems others would take a long time to put their finger on, a talent for making people feel comfortable, for bringing out the best in them, a talent for peace, a talent for happiness, a talent for enjoying the best things in life.   These are all talents that, if cultivated and freely expressed, would make the world a much better, happier, more contented and peaceful place.

“Ah, there you go, typical… fucking dreaming again, as if utopian socialism ever had a chance in reality,” a reasonable voice will say.  “The world is the world, Darwin was essentially right, it is survival of the most cunning and ready to murder their rivals.  One look around shows the counterfactual nature of your absurd, idealistic, wish.   Evolution itself argues against it.”

Unless survival through increased insight and interconnectedness is true evolution– learning from mistakes instead of compounding them by revenge.    

“Oh, they will shoot you many times if you say that loudly enough, my friend, if you ever get enough attention for your wishful views, which, thankfully for you, is unlikely in any case,” says the voice of reason.  

“I’ve always held that seventeen bullets to the torso for speaking a powerful enough truth clearly is worth the price paid by those who smolder, volatile and ready to blow, living lives of desperate and unreasonable compromise under intolerable conditions.”

“Mmmmm…. a talent for the felicitous phrase, a talent for justification, a talent for recasting clear failure as something actually laudable…”

A talent for talking to myself.  A talent for ignoring certain hard realities as long as I can and then recoiling from them.  A talent for finding myself in a loop, shaking my head and going, “damn…..”

Back to my original question: is it mad, if you are uniquely situated to help, to carry on in spite of the seeming impossibility of success?   If you have an idea that can help people in need, develop it into a program that can contribute something constructive to the noisy and often misguided conversation being hollered all around, can give some joy, fun and sense of accomplishment to kids who are presently doomed to lives of tragedy that will seem longer than their twenty years…. do you not have a moral duty, if you have the means to carry out the program, to soldier on?

“You expect an awful lot of yourself,” says a device, weakly.

I have the tools.  I have the program, done successfully now one hundred times.  I have the written materials describing it, a curriculum, a website… I…. I….

I remember meeting my grandmother’s first cousin, George Segal.  George, creator of life-sized plaster casted people posed in evocative dioramas, is remembered today as a giant in American sculpture.   I met him twice as an adult, once in passing at a gallery on 57th Street, we walked west together toward Columbus Circle, and shortly thereafter as his guest at his farm in New Jersey.   He took me into the converted chicken coops, huge sprawling studios, rustic but comfortable even in winter.

“Your grandmother was very good for you, and very bad for you,” he observed sagely when we were sitting alone in one of his studios.

Somewhere in my many haystacks of papers I have the furious letter he wrote me after that visit.  You can practically feel the clench of his teeth at the monstrousness of someone who wanted to be an important artist but felt himself superior to the guardians of taste, the wealthy art collectors and the unctuous subculture that curates their collections.  They certainly did not deserve the bitter anger of someone who hated them but felt entitled to their money and respect.  These taste-makers were some of the greatest and most generous people in the world, he pointed out through clenched teeth, and worthy of respect and honor, not scorn.  

It had certainly worked out well for him.

 

One Note Samba

I’ve noticed over and over that in our society the crime of not monetizing things that can bring profit is considered  even more heinous than proposing socialist sounding solutions to long-standing social problems.  It is not hard to notice, as everything around us is being constantly monetized, but every time I see a new example, like a bird hit in the knee with a tiny rubber mallet, I begin to tweet my sour one note samba.
 
“This is just a one note samba,” sings Sekhnet, rolling her eyes and walking into the other room whenever I begin the familiar song.
 
Several sweaty miles through 93 degrees with my laptop on my back the other day I stopped into the lovely mall at 59th and Columbus Circle to use the bathroom and enjoy the air-conditioning.  Last May I stood at a vantage point on the second floor balcony where I photographed out the high glass wall to the statue of Columbus and people coming and going, up and down escalators.  It was a beautiful shot of the city through floor to ceiling windows and a sea of humanity captured against this spectacular backdrop.  I shot a cool stop-motion movie from there and noted it as a great place to take vivid city-scapes.
 
I stood at the same place yesterday and saw with a shudder that some fucking genius has monetized that vast open space, two wide 40 foot tall banners advertising Glaceau Smart Water now block most of the view, though you can still spy Columbus propped on his pillar in the narrow slice of sky visible between them.  If you hold your head just right.
 
They’d be idiots to refuse the half million a year Glaceau pays them to advertise their product in that striking spot.  Why would anyone turn down that kind of money?   What would you rather have, a fucking view few even notice or a half million dollars?  Duh!

Technology as Sodomite

My program, a theory I tested that worked better than I’d hoped (be careful what you hope for), depends on the simple user-friendly, beautifully integrated technology of the macBook, circa 2011, to put kids’ stop-motion animation together.   This technology allows eight year-olds to take hundreds of frames from the SD card of a digital camera and quickly select and input them into a program that automatically puts them into a folder on a laptop computer.   This easily located folder, which can be customized to use any frame as an icon, can then be opened and selected frames dragged into the simple to use program where the frames are edited to make the finished animation.  In another program the kids make a soundtrack, and drag it into the animation with ease.  It’s simple and direct and kids are happy to teach other kids the programs.

It’s true, as my father said, that I’d complain if I was hung with a new rope.  Keep that in mind.

I listened to a friend’s good advice about buying a new state of the art macBook pro and stop struggling to do all these workarounds on multiple devices– emailing an image from the iPad to include as I create my pitch on the one computer I’ve updated to the latest operating system, play it back on the new iPad.  I need to make various marketing materials to get the program up and running as a business.  It made sense to get the new computer, put everything I need on its solid state hard-drive and not be hampered by technological challenges on top of the challenges already stacked up for me to overcome.  I bought the new macBook three weeks ago.

The Devil, of course, loves the details– calls them home, his playground, an aphrodisiac.  The details drive Old Scratch into a frenzy of creativity.

Apple, like all large corporations, is in business to make the largest possible profit.  This is the way of the world, the first rule of the Free Market.   In addition to constantly introducing new products people will have to buy, they tirelessly upgrade their ingenious programs, reconfigure the operating system, redesign their most popular programs and apps.   Sometimes they even eliminate them altogether.  iPhoto, for example, the program that allowed kids to bring frames in that could be instantly found in a folder– gone.  There is likely a way to do something similar, without a doubt, in the program that replaced it, closely resembling the iOS system they use on iPhones and iPads, but it must be figured out.   Similarly, the program where the kids edit the frames, and which has always had a pull-down menu within each frame to make crucial adjustments, Apple designers have eliminated this convenient feature altogether.   Of course, there has to be a way to do it, it’s just not easy to find.  Especially if you get frustrated when you can’t find it mentioned in the help menu.

So, because I can’t solve these vexing problems at the moment, and it is too hot to struggle with them now, I downloaded a great-looking program called iBook Author.  This program allows one to make interactive e-books, something I have long wanted to do.  They can only be used on Apple devices, of course, but it would be a start.  I was excited to try it and try it I did.  I created the first two chapters of a book, with an embedded movie, and wanted to preview it, see how it looks as an e-book.

Happily there is a button that says Preview right at the top.  I clicked it.  I was invited to select a destination from a greyed out list that contained one destination.  That destination, which I could not select, reads: This computer (iBooks for Mac) (Newer version of iBooks needed).

Screen Shot 2015-07-19 at 12.31.50 AM  

The neighbors were treated to a Tourretic outburst that must surely have been unwelcome at that hour, or any hour.  I opened iBooks on the brand new computer I bought three weeks ago and was able to download several e-Books.  I flipped through them, everything worked fine. There was no option to download a newer version of iBooks.  I searched.  All will be revealed, I decided, when I speak to an expert at Apple Care who will guide me through intuitive steps involving holding down the Option key while pressing the smart trackpad with three fingers, for exactly two seconds, and then quickly powering the computer on and off, with an easy switch to the Apple key.  I eventually decided to stop struggling with the willful new computer, shut it down and go to sleep.  

Screen Shot 2015-07-19 at 2.11.06 PM

Sleep took its time.