The view from the room my father died in

The large windows faced west, apparently.   I have no idea of such things, but that’s where the sun went down moments after my father died, staining the sky that beautiful blue orange gradient, the silhouettes of the palm trees turning black against the glowing sky.   If you want to believe in a merciful God, there’s your picture. 

My father had no sense of direction, did not know the names of trees, or birds.  He had no mechanical aptitude.  His one project, the towel rack he built in the basement bathroom out of one by fours and a couple of wooden rods, was serviceable, if warped.   He was unable to impart these practical things to me, he did not know them himself.  I understand this now and don’t hold it against him. 

That simple understanding took many years.  There was a war going on around us, we were in the middle of it.  With the constant gun fire, explosions, clouds of rolling poison gas, the trenches, the cries of dying horses, it was hard to focus on simple understandings. 

The windows of his hospital room on State Road 7 in Florida faced west.  I know that now because I have heard the sun sets in the west.   After he died, the nurse quietly came into the room.   I gave her his oxygen line, after closing my dead father’s eyes.   I said “he won’t be needing this,” like a hardboiled character in a cheap noir novel.   Nobody knows how to act around death.  My father’s death was no surprise, although the suddenness of his last moments was striking.   

“Why don’t you all go down and have some dinner?  Take a little break, you’ve been here all day. Elie will sit with me, it’s OK,” my father told my mother, my sister, my uncle, my brother-in-law.  They’d been sitting with him most of the day.  I’d been the last to arrive, after being up with him until four or so the night before.   It seemed natural enough at the time.   None of us suspected that within twenty-five minutes he’d be dead.   

An hour or so earlier he’d suddenly become agitated, grabbed my sister and me by the hands, held us tightly.  This action, so uncharacteristic of him, was like an alarm.  It was electrifying.   I asked the nurse if there was Atavan in his chart.  I knew about Atavan because my mentally ill friend loved it.  He and his despicable wife fought over the bottle of Atavan, hiding it from each other, hoarding the pills. 

“I don’t want to take anything,” said my father, dropping our hands but still clearly terrified.  I knew what he was concerned about.

“Don’t worry, dad, it will leave your mind clear.  Andy takes it, I know all about this drug.  It will just take the edge off, relax you a little.” 

The nurse brought him the pill and he took it.  Within a few minutes he was calm.  The concerned faces of his wife, brother, children began to relax a little bit.   Then he told everyone to go take a break, go down to the cafeteria for a while.   He reassured them that I would sit with him, there was nothing to worry about.  He was fine.

They got up and left.  Two nurses came into the room.  One pointed to my father’s fingernails, which were turning bluish.   She said this was a sign that oxygen was no longer getting to his extremities, one of the final signs.   The other nurse, a good looking Jamaican woman, said that if you pray, this is the time to say your prayers.   I told her we were not particularly religious.   She took it on herself to hedge our bets, sang “Dayenu”, a Passover song of thanks to God, in a beautiful voice.   The two nurses helped me lower the barrier on the side of my father’s deathbed so I could sit closer to him, then silently left.

A couple of minutes later my father said “I don’t know how to do this.”  Then he did.  Then the sun set and it was Shabbat, the day of rest.


A Grateful Thank You

To the following, who took a moment in 2017 to click at the bottom of a post and let me know they read and liked a particular piece of writing:

Tetiana Aleksina, Tony Single, Beautybeyondbones, mresnick12, Rezzy Rez, Richard Erickson, jm zook, Avishek Singh, Success Inspirers’ World, Chitkala Aditosh, The Human Anvil, Leo, amanhimself, Rick Lunkenheimer, Geeze, Tim and Joanne Joseph, invertedlogic blog, Dottie, taka186, lemanshots, PMu, yzandy, David Montaigne, nsnunag, DGGYST, The Electric Oracle, petplayful, catladylives, lightningdroplets, AATIF, Whiskey&Lemon, Frank Solanki, chineseforbeginnersblog, LittleFears, Dr. Joseph Suglia, BlueFishh, welovethesecats, Jack Bennett, rachelbchatty, kelseysimmonsschmitt, Linda J. Wolff, mumercise, phicklephilly, hipstersfoodies, ourpawsrock, Archee, gabfrab, thedanieldouglasblog, bg, Linda, lovehappyanimals, stunninganimalpics, begintobelieve, Elan Mudrow, hotworkouts, and classypuppies.

If I wasn’t such a lazy, tired, asthenic bastard I’d have posted a link for each of these blahgs.  Alas, I am. 

Thanks also to friends of mine who took a moment to let me know a post interested or moved them in some way.  Particular thanks to a steadfast and responsive reader in Gaj, Poland, an interactive reader in our nation’s capital, as well as one in Australia, one in Africa and another in the Ukraine.  Youse all rawk.

A special thank you to the silent majority who read these pages without comment, no doubt sucking your teeth.  

A happy, healthy 2018 to one and all!

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Insights from a Jesuit

My sister alerted me to a recent Terry Gross interview with a Jesuit priest named Greg Boyle, Fresh Air from November 13, and said it was worth my time.  It was.  Then, as his new book “Barking To the Choir” is currently hitting the stands, Krista Tippett broadcast her chat with him.   I wrote to thank my sister, with cuttings from the transcript of Krista’s talk with Boyle, which I will provide here.

He covers some different ground with Krista Tippett, I’m reading the transcript, this just jumped out at me (and what a potent phrase that is below, which I emphasize for ye):

Ms. Tippett: One of the realizations you’ve said you made out of that is that peacemaking requires conflict. And while there’s lots of violence between gangs, there’s not conflict that you can define, like you can with a war.

Fr. Boyle: Yeah, it’s difficult, because I’m sort of the dissenting voice, I think, in the country at the moment, when it comes to this thing. And sometimes people will say to you, “Well, how can you be against peacemaking?” Well, obviously, I’m not against peacemaking. But I’m old-fashioned: I think peacemaking requires conflict, and it’s important to say that there is no conflict in gang violence. There’s violence, but there’s no conflict, so it’s not about anything.

So you want to understand what language is gang violence speaking? That’s important to me:

It’s about a lethal absence of hope.  It’s about kids who can’t imagine a future for themselves. It’s about kids who weren’t seeking anything when they joined a gang. It’s about the fact that they’re always fleeing something — always, without exception. So it shifts the way you see things.

Somebody, Bertrand Russell or somebody, said, “If you want to change the world, change the metaphor.” And that’s kind of how we want to, I think we need to proceed, in something like this. So if you think it’s the Middle East, you’re quite mistaken. If you think it’s Northern Ireland, wrong again. It’s about kids who’ve ceased to care. So you want to infuse young people with hope, when it seems that hope is foreign.

(as I wrote to my sister about this next clip)  WOW.  from the same interview with Krista Tippett:

So recently, I gave a talk, a training, an all-day training to 600 social workers, a training on gangs. I had two homies with me, and one of them was a guy named José. And he got up — he’s in his late 20s, and he now works in a substance abuse part of our team, a man in recovery and been a heroin addict and gang member and tattooed. And he gets up, and he says, very offhandedly, “You know, I guess you could say that my mom and me, we didn’t get along so good. I guess I was six when she looked at me, and she said, ‘Why don’t you just kill yourself? You’re such a burden to me.’”

Well, the whole audience did what you just did. They gasped. And then he said, “It’s sounds way worser in Spanish,” he said.


And everybody did what you just did. And then he said, “You know, I guess I was nine when my mom drove me down to the deepest part of Baja California, and she walked me up to an orphanage, and she said, ‘I found this kid.’” And then he said, “I was there 90 days, until my grandmother could get out of her where she had dumped me, and she came and rescued me.”

And then he tells the audience, “My mom beat me every single day. In fact, I had to wear three T-shirts to school every day.” And then he kind of loses the battle with his own tears a little bit, and he says, “I wore three T-shirts well into my adult years, because I was ashamed of my wounds. I didn’t want anybody to see them. But now my wounds are my friends. I welcome my wounds. I run my fingers over my wounds.”

And then he looks at this crowd, and he says, “How can I help the wounded if I don’t welcome my own wounds?” And awe came upon everyone, because we’re so inclined to kind of judge this kid who went to prison and is tattooed and is a gang member and homeless and a heroin addict, and the list goes on. But he was never seeking anything when he ended up in those places. He was always fleeing the story I just told you.

D.U. never had this, too bad he didn’t learn the last part:

Our motto, still, on our T-shirts is: “Nothing Stops a Bullet Like a Job,” but that does about 80 percent of what needs to be done. There’s still the other 20 percent, which is relational, and it’s about healing. And it’s about what psychologists would call “attachment repair,” because gang members come to us with this disorganized attachment. Mom was frightening, or frightened. And you can’t really soothe yourself if you’ve never been calmed down by that significant person in your life. And it’s never too late to kind of gain this, so they repair this attachment, and they learn some resilience.

Nice ending, she asks him to read the 14th century Rumi poem from his latest book.  Krista does a great job with these interviews:

Fr. Boyle: Yeah, I don’t know why I put it in my book.


And so now I’m living my nightmare of my interview with Krista Tippett.


Now proven myself shallow and uninteresting.

Anyway, it’s called “With That Moon Language.”

“Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, ‘Love me.’

Of course you do not do this out loud,
otherwise someone would call the cops.
Still, though, think about this,
this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye
that is always saying,
with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in this world
is dying to hear?”

Merry Christmas From New York

I was headed downtown to visit friends in from far away.  After a groggy start to Christmas Day, a day that generally fills me with despair,  I was running late, well after the time I’d told my friend I’d aim for.   I had a twenty minute or so southward train ride to get there, then a short walk west.  

As you approach the elevated Number One line at Dyckman Street you can see up the track almost to the next station north.   If you see the southbound train coming around that bend, experience teaches you can catch that train if you run into the station, Metrocard in hand, and make a smart dash straight up the steep steps.  

I went through the turnstile and made my dash smartly, but there was no train.  The one I’d seen, apparently a mirage.  There was no train on the horizon either.  I noticed how winded I was, I’ve run up these stairs many times– this was the most winded I’ve been.  I walked it off.  

At the end of the platform a man was talking on the phone with his back to me.  He had a baby carriage with him.  The baby was also turned away from me, but I noticed how solicitous the man was, walking the baby carriage in little circles to soothe the baby.  I watched them absently for a moment, thinking of the human parent’s instinct, if everything falls right, to comfort their child.  I recall feeling impressed with how this guy was taking care of his baby.

The train came.  The man turned the baby carriage slightly to move his child on to the train.  I could now see that the baby was a full grown beagle, sitting very patiently upright in the baby carriage.   I made a note to tell this story to my friends when I arrived, but as things happened I forgot about it.

We exchanged handshakes, hugs and pleasantries and then my friend said “I have a small gift for you,” as if remembering some trifle.  He went into the other room and returned with the best gift anybody has ever given me, possibly the best gift anyone has ever given anybody.  “It’s really nothing,” he said, handing me a hard-shell ukulele case with the imprint of a palm tree on its shell.

Over the years my friend has mentioned a dream image he has, of himself, sitting on a porch somewhere beautiful at sunset after his work day is done.  His work would be gently but firmly bending wood, plying it, smoothing it, skillfully using tools to turn beautiful wood into a beautiful musical instrument.  In another life, he’d have loved to have been a luthier.  

A few years ago he took a course from a master luthier and made a tenor ukulele, out of beautiful wood, over the course of several weeks.  He sent me photos of it at the time and mildly self-effacing comments about the instrument when it was done.   I opened the case and there was the hand-made ukulele, a very beautiful one.  Everyone I showed it to later could not help stroking it.  It is lovingly detailed, with several unique flourishes, and finished to the texture of perfect skin or something like that.  It is so silky that it’s hard not to pet it if you hold it in your hands.   Everyone who held it did.

It plays beautifully, with a rich tone I haven’t heard from most ukuleles.   He also somehow rigged the lowest string to be in a lower octave, as on a guitar, making this uke a much more useful instrument to play melodies on.  I smiled as I played a little Django ending that had been impossible to play on my other ukes.  Sekhnet could not stop commenting on its beautiful tone, just as I could not stop playing it in the car after we left our friends.  

“What an amazing gift!” Sekhnet said, “I hope you really thanked him.”  I assured her I did.  I think I did, I’m sure I did, I had to have.  Of course, now that I’ve played it for hours, and re-tuned it to concert pitch, I’ll sing its praises some more when I talk to him tomorrow.  He’d looked at the label inside, with his name and the year he made it, 2009, and told me, since he never played it (although he certainly could), that I should have it, since I would play it.  I certainly am playing it.

I played it happily for an hour or so in the background with Sekhet’s family.  Each of them had admiringly held and petted the beautiful instrument, a few even strummed the open chord it plays if you don’t finger the frets.  I then played it all the way back to the city.  When we got back I was concerned that the constantly sleep deprived Sekhnet get some sleep.  I left her and walked to the subway to head uptown.

Being Christmas, it was only natural that the train service would be fucked up.   The high-tech interactive electronic information signs on the subway platform gave random misinformation.   According to the fancy new sign the next A train was a Brooklyn-bound one scheduled to arrive in 46 minutes (average wait is supposed to be about twelve minutes).  There was no information about any uptown trains at all.   “We’re working harder to serve you better,” I said finally to two other sour-faced men waiting for information on the uptown train to take them home Christmas night.

A moment later there was an incomprehensible PA announcement and a Brooklyn-bound A train rumbled in on the downtown platform.   Another announcement began as the Brooklyn-bound train was departing, making a great racket across the station.

The MTA had decided, in its infinite puckishness, to have the crackling, irrelevant, over-driven announcement delivered by the employee with the heaviest and hardest to decipher foreign accent.   I don’t know where this guy was born, but I’m sure the last thing his parents ever dreamed of for him was delivering this incomprehensible message to disgusted New Yorkers over the public address system moments after the end of Christmas Day. I have no idea what he said, but I do recall sincerely muttering something about fucking retards that I do not now feel very proud about having muttered.  

A dirty, smelly beggar was striking out as he made his way toward me on the platform.  He’d start to speak and get waved off.  I saw this happen a few times, found I had a single dollar bill in my pocket and thought “what the fuck?”   When he came toward me I handed him the dollar, which he dropped.  

Before he picked it up, he looked me in the eyes and asked “could you please help me out with two or three more?”  I told him I didn’t have it.  It was true.  My other bills were twenties, and outside of that, I had two pennies.  He continued down the platform and I was reminded of my dislike of people who don’t have the grace to say thanks. 

On the uptown A, which finally arrived, a large man asked “may I sit next to you?”  This is not a question anybody phrases this way on the New York City Subway.  It was the only seat in the car, and I nodded, almost imperceptibly, and without looking up from my book, only because it was the right thing to do.  

Then, because you know what they say about unpunished good deeds, he began humming in a soulful way, and turned his head toward me as I tried to read, which made his humming suddenly way too loud.  He began to sing, in the same manner as his humming, turning his head like a slow moving leslie-speaker to heighten the effect.  

He did that African spiritual-inspired melisma, making every quavering note a long, stylized, if cliched, statement of his soul.   After a few minutes of this I wanted to do something to make him stop. I thought about my vow to remain mild and kept reading.  

A seat opened across the way, and I took it.  I couldn’t hear his fucking singing from over there, and it was a relief.  Suddenly, I smelled ass, dirty feet, filthy clothes.  The smell was coming from the seat behind me, turned out to be a homeless woman.  But the smell wasn’t that bad, it was better than the fucking soul singer.  

The singer got off a few stops later and I went back to where I’d been sitting.  I watched the poor homeless woman, who appeared to be very much insane.  I thought of the almost infinite varieties of suffering in this world, and of God and the mythical baby Jesus weeping over it all, less than an hour after Christmas.  I  took out the ukulele, played a bit of Django’s version of “I’ll See You In My Dreams” and put the lovely instrument into its protective case as the train pulled into Dyckman Street.

As I walked up the hill to my apartment, carrying the perfect tenor ukulele my old friend had made, I thought of the blessings of this life. Those blessings are not the physical things everyone is taught to covet, of course, but what lies behind them, what we might call their spiritual dimension– what they represent in terms of our souls.   If the physical manifestation is also a beautiful thing, that’s ideal.

I thought of my friend’s ancient mother, now well-past ninety and noticeably much older than the last time I saw her, not that long ago.  She made mention tonight of her approaching death.  I’d never heard her speak of death, but when I quickly broached the subject of Trump, during a moment when her son had gone back upstairs to fetch something she’d forgotten, she told me that the only good in it for her is that this would be a good time for her to die.  

I told her that my mother, at the end of her life, had begged me to promise her that Sarah Palin would never be the president.  I made the promise and I’m as sure as it is reasonable to be that Sarah Palin will never be the president of the United States.  There are things as unthinkable as President Sarah Palin, but that’s an imponderable story for another time.

When I put her son’s ukulele in her hands she immediately began stroking it.   She admired it for a long time, and mused about how many other hidden talents her talented son had (he was cooking a delicious smelling dinner at the time).  

Later, sitting around the coffee table, my friend’s mother smiled, and pointed at her son and her grandson, huddled over the young man’s cellphone, looking at photos of some of the grandson’s recent architectural projects, I assume.   To her daughter, with a big smile, she said “kvelling…” This is Yiddish for a parent’s pleasure in seeing their child do something that makes them kvell with pride.  The daughter looked at her blankly and asked “who?”   

“Me,” said the old woman happily, as she pointed to her chest with a gnarled hand.


The hospital room was quite cool and they didn’t seem to have enough blankets for some reason.  Down in the E.R. they’d brought me a heated blanket, which was delightful.  But once I checked in, put on a hospital gown, began shivering, the nurse told me they had to look for a blanket for me.  Meanwhile she covered me with several sheets, which almost did the trick.

A couple of hours later a guy came in to wheel me to the room where they do the stress test.  I told him I wanted to grab my pants, since I was cold.  He assured me I wouldn’t need pants.  

As we rolled I told him I wouldn’t need them if I was getting right on a treadmill to start running.  He smiled, doing his only job, pushing the patient in the wheelchair.  I noted idly that he had pants, and so did everyone else we passed in the chilly  corridors on the way to the echo room.

In the refrigerated suite where they do the stress test, I was the only person without pants.  I asked a worker there if he could get me some pants.  I pointed out that everyone else had pants and that’s probably why nobody else was particularly cold.  He assured me he’d find me some pants, then twenty minutes or so passed and I still had no pants.

“I’ll be right back,” I announced, getting out of my wheelchair, “I’m going back to my room to get my pants.”  

The original pants promiser called out that he’d bring me pants, and a few moments later came back with a pair of blue cotton hospital pants with a drawstring at the waist.   Perfect, thank you.  

I felt much better having pants.  Something as simple as a pair of fucking pants sometimes can make all the difference, if you know what I’m saying.  

Four or five hours later, when my twenty minute stress test was finally complete, I called out as I was being wheeled away “and thank you for the pants.”  The man who brought them to me smiled, the circle of small kindnesses now complete.

Gratefulness 101

It’s an often annoying cliche: we are happier and healthier being grateful for the good things we have than being bitter or anxious about the things we don’t have.  No less true for being an annoying cliche, of course.   I am grateful today, for breath going smoothly and deeply in through both nostrils, quietly out the same way.  

Pain in the chest, radiating down the left arm, numb hand suddenly tingling with pins and needles.  Doctor told you months ago the left atrium, one of four chambers of your heart muscle, is very weak, need to see a cardiologist, who will call.  No cardiologist calls, instead promises: two weeks, one week, any day.  No day.  Then one day, amidst payment denials from agents of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, pain in the chest.    Directly over where the left atrium would be, here we go…. just to be safe, a trip to the Emergency Room.  

Twenty thousand dollars in state of the art medical testing and a day in the hospital later — a relatively clean bill of heart health.   Cleared to resume strenuous exercise.  

Bike ride the next day with two friends who have not fallen out of shape in fear of heart attack.  A pleasure, even if I was sweaty and gassed after a relatively short and not very strenuous ride.  I cannot describe to you the crispness of the world, the trees, the people, the deliciousness of cold water, of each deep breath, the miracle of the entire enterprise of being alive.  

It’s all a cliche, of course.  You really had to be there.  But I am one grateful dog today, still.


If I was a successful minimalist how different would my life be?   When Etgar Keret mentions the ‘inherent laziness that has plagued me for so many years’ it’s delightful to picture.  If I say it, of myself, it’s not that delightful.  Everything is a bit more delightful when you’re getting paid, and recognized for what you can do, but that’s only part of it.

Phone call from Albi, France interrupted my train of thought.  My dear, lost friend, taking care of his mostly paralyzed mother, apologizes that he was too depressed for the last six years to be in touch.    Which made me feel a bit better, I’d only been depressed and avoiding people for a year and a half.  

He reports that his hair is now white, he feels eighty and he has a chronic back ache from carrying his mother everywhere for the last seventeen years.

Seventeen years!” I exclaim.  “What a punchline to an inspirational story!” (start at paragraph five)   

His manic-depressive mother had made tremendous progress during the first ten years of his care.  She had regained the use of her body to an extent that baffled doctors.   Doctors kept predicting she would die soon, that this procedure would be her last.  He wheels her to the funerals of one dead doctor after another, a cigarette propped jauntily in her mouth.

Then, during a split-second of distraction, she slipped from his arms, landed hard, needed an operation.  The anesthesia put the 87 year-old back to square one.  She’s now almost ninety-four, and although sometimes quite cantankerous, can’t talk.  He has to conduct both sides of their arguments, which is exhausting.  He loves her and has no regrets about his choice to care for her, but feels a certain wistfulness to realize he’s been her selfless and unpaid caretaker for the last seventeen years.

We had a few good laughs, between talking about the many reasons for being too depressed to pick up the phone.   Then it was time for him to make sure his mother wasn’t choking in the next room and for me to get back to thinking about the important work I need to be doing.