Category Archives: “funny”

Alabama finds fertilized frozen egg is human life

The sordid history of the ignorant yet calculated movement of bigoted political domination by America’s most militant white Christians (sometimes called Christian Dominionism) is laid out here by the great Heather Cox Richardson .  I’m just adding a few telltale stats that should be noted in relation to the Alabama Supreme Court’s decision that a fertilized egg that is then frozen is human life and anyone who destroys such a human life maybe held criminally liable, essentially for murder.  If a state like Alabama leads the way in enforced so-called Christian morality, heaven help us!

Alabama ranks third in the nation for highest infant mortality rates. The only two states with higher infant mortality rates are number two Arkansas, and America’s greatest state, Mississippi, in the number one position as far as most deaths of newborns. In fairness to both sides, it must be said, of course, that this is according to the CDC, a government agency that Jesus Christ himself long ago warned is full of lying commie cucks, who will do anything to make good Christians look bad. infant mortality rates US states

Alabama ranks fifth in the nation for highest rates of child poverty. Once again, Mississippi leads the pack. child poverty by state

In terms of education, Alabama does much better, coming in at #44 out of 50, a respectable sixth from the bottom. In this case, Mississippi, at #41, beats them, being nine from the bottom. Education by state

Per capita murder in the state of Alabama, which is double the rate of rootin’ tootin’ Texas, is the third highest in the country. Once again, Mississippi makes them look a little better by comparison. Murder by state

In terms of executions, Alabama kicks Mississippi’s ass, by a margin of two to one! Executions by state.

A word to out of state men visiting Alabama: avoid jerking off in your motel room. While killing a spurt of sperm cells might not technically qualify as murder, it could be seen as assault with a deadly weapon. I would advise you to consult with a pious Christian expert like MAGA Mike fucking Johnson about this before randily reaching for the old johnson. Peace out.

Resolved, Trump’s “ring” is delicious!

If you have any doubt about what the Republican party represents going into to the 2024 election, and who controls their every vote, there is a one page document that will remove that doubt. You can read the last GOP party platform in less than a minute, simply skip the few Whereas clauses which set out the “reasons” they are not adopting a platform setting out their principles and policy goals in the Age of Trump, and cut to the chase:

RESOLVED, That the Republican Party has and will continue to enthusiastically support the
President’s America-first agenda;
RESOLVED, That the 2020 Republican National Convention will adjourn without adopting a
new platform until the 2024 Republican National Convention;
RESOLVED, That the 2020 Republican National Convention calls on the media to engage in
accurate and unbiased reporting, especially as it relates to the strong support of the RNC for
President Trump and his Administration; and
RESOLVED, That any motion to amend the 2016 Platform or to adopt a new platform, including
any motion to suspend the procedures that will allow doing so, will be ruled out of order.

read the entire one page Trump platform here

Comer’s star “witness” in Biden impeachment indicted for giving false testimony to FBI

The New York Times continues:

The special counsel investigating Hunter Biden has charged a former F.B.I. informant with fabricating claims that President Biden and his son sought two $5 million bribes from a Ukrainian energy company, according to an indictment in a California federal court.

The former informant, Alexander Smirnov, 43, was accused of falsely telling the F.B.I. that Hunter Biden, then serving as a paid member on the board of Burisma, demanded the money to protect the company from an investigation by the country’s prosecutor general at the time.

The story Mr. Smirnov told investigators was part of a series of explosive and unsubstantiated claims by Republicans that the Bidens engaged in potentially criminal activity — allegations central to the party’s efforts to impeach the president.

The Special Counsel, another traitorous RINO appointed by the radical Merrick Garland to investigate a Biden, is a Donald Trump appointee, (like Robert Hur, who gratuitously, but effectively, slimed Joe Biden just the other day). Proof that even the infallible former/present/future party leader makes mistakes. Who among us has a crystal ball that can always accurately see the future?

Goddamn it, Grey Lady!

Can you spot the New York Timesisms here? 

The New York Times continues:

“The Biden campaign has built its strategy around telling voters that the November election is a choice between the president, whatever doubts the public has about his age, and an opponent in Mr. Trump, 77, whom they paint as a threat to democracy and personal freedoms.“

Fair is fair, it is the centerpiece of Biden campaign strategy to paint Trump as a threat to democracy and personal freedoms. It is a two billion dollar  campaign strategy to portray Trump, an ordinary political candidate for president with an unremarkable history, mounting a typical reelection campaign, as some kind of existential threat. Calling him a threat as part of an attack ad campaign, like they all do.

Fair is fair, the Trump appointee who Merrick Garland appointed special counsel to investigate Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents, made comments well beyond the scope of his brief — which was to determine if Biden had or had not committed a crime related to taking government documents. Hur (no relation to Ben) determined that Biden could not be prosecuted and then opined, gratuitously as this blahg you are reading now, that Biden is perhaps in too feeble a mental state to have even been able to form any kind of plan to commit the crimes. No jury would convict such a feeble, doddering, sad, amiable but pitiable old man who barely knew what was going on, added Hur in his final report.  You know how the DOJ always like to include a little gossipy stuff in their official reports, spill a  little tea, like cattily opining about people’s fitness for their elected position and the political reasons to doubt their abilities. 

NY Times, taking the ball and running with it, along with the rest of corporate media.

Or as Biden ad libbed the other day at that news conference where he was angry at special counsel Trump appointee Hur being out of line and working in the interests of a political opponent:

FOX reporter: Are you having problems with your memory?

Biden: I must be, I’m taking a question from you.

Isn’t that right, Grey Lady?

Trump’s team “respectfully disagrees”

The three (female) judge panel from the DC circuit court of appeals ruled unanimously that an ex-president does not have blanket immunity against criminal prosecution for crimes committed while in office. Not a big surprise. The president’s spokesman, guy named Cheung, said Trump “respectfully disagrees” with the unanimous ruling.

“If immunity is not granted to a president, every future president who leaves office will be immediately indicted by the opposing party,” Mr. Cheung said. “Without complete immunity, a president of the United States would not be able to properly function.”

If he’s a fucking criminal.

Trump’s logic is kind of self-evident, if you love him. Trump was the forty-fifth president. All forty-four presidents before him, on leaving office, immediately pleaded the absolute, blanket immunity that Bill Barr told Trump he had on more than one occasion, until Barr realized he too might die in prison if he kept going forward with the Orange Polyp’s determination to carry out multiple criminal plans to remain in power after losing his re-election bid. If these ex-presidents had not all invoked their lifetime immunity from criminal prosecution, all would have been immediately arrested and locked up, without trial, by their ascendant political enemies!!! And, obviously, their successor would have had each of them killed in prison, having absolute, blanket, lifetime immunity from criminal prosecution, for anything, ever. It’s only common sense … to an insane person.

Here’s the outraged King of MAGA himself, as only he can do it:

A President will be afraid to act for fear of the opposite Party’s Vicious Retribution after leaving OFFICE. I am your retribution, I will take the things the sick, dangerous enemy deliberately weaponized and exact my terrible vengeance with them. The earth will Shake, Rattle and Retribute, universal, mandatory death penalty, Cod Bless these SHAYsssh. Biden grime fambily.

This prick is relentless in his greed

Jeff Bezos only makes $131, 666 a minute, this master of the universe (divide by 60 the $7,900,000 an hour he made last year, per Robert Reich, a reliable source).  I guess the fucking piece of shit really, really, really wants to be the richest man who ever lived and some other super-competitive piles of dreck are giving him a run for his money. What a shamelessly avaricious little scumbag. I wish him an eternal afterlife in the most lavish, exclusive hell imaginable. Fuck this fucking puto.

And why not try to rake in a few more billion from his millions of addicted customers when he has the power and ability to do so? It’s a lot better making a little extra cash than paying a reasonable amount of tax to a government he can’t completely control… worse, a government who only wants to control him, force him to collectively bargain with his underpaid workers, employ fair business practices, tax him for his massive contribution to global warming and unconscionable shit like that. 

Catastrophizing

I wake up with my skin crawling. Can’t sleep anymore because, in addition to all my other troubles at the moment, I have these fucking microscopic devils running around under my skin. Oh, my god… the horror, the fucking horror! I am soon ripping at my own skin.

This hellish looking baby is called a scabie (Sarcoptes scabiei), a parasitic mite that lives, in the millions, under the skin and causes a contagious itch with… exudative crust…

I scratch my skin hopelessly because it itches everywhere, worst in the places I can’t hope to reach. 

Note: there is no evidence that I have scabies. In fact, I don’t have scabies.  A friend in France recently described this nightmare to me, and the wonderful news he had from a doctor — his case is called “clean scabies” which, like “friendly fire”, or “collateral damage”, really doesn’t change the awful outcome, but is supposed to make you feel better since, in your case, the plague that is tormenting you did not result from your own poor hygienic practices.  

I looked up scabies and found this nightmarish image of the tiny fucker who runs in hoards making the skin horripilate and forming crusts over the itchy places where exudation occurs. Naturally the image of this tiny, demonic monster popped into my head when I woke up today itching. Once it was there, I couldn’t get it out. 

Because my new knee is still often immobilizingly painful ten months after replacement surgery, because I can’t exercise, because, after an objectively hellish experience with old friends I am wrestling with a playful anaconda of a manuscript that, while smiling, challenging and fun much of the time, is still a twenty foot long deadly constrictor, because all my eggs are in one basket and that basket is shredding, because I am flesh and must go the way of all such things… because the city cut off the water this morning and I have buckets of water all over for cooking, washing and toilet flushing… because, because, because….

It doesn’t occur to me, or it does but I dismiss the thought, that I am itching because of dry skin, a common malady of winter in temperate zones that gets more demanding with age. Next to the bed I have a pump bottle of moisturizer, placed there for soothing dry, itching skin. Applying it is a much better option than clawing at my own skin and twitching at the thought of parasitic mites doing gleeful gymnastics under my skin, but it seems as hopeless as everything else at the moment, too much skin to moisturize, can’t reach the places it itches most, wah, wah! Catastrophe!

Catastrophizing happens when you are overwhelmed by the challenges you face and are at the end of your ability to objectively weigh your circumstances. You can no longer see them one by one as discrete things to deal with, they have united to destroy you once and for all.  All the afflictions described two paragraphs above are true. Taken one at a time they are all things that can be taken care of, though some take a long time and require a long term perspective. Taken as a whole, as the relentless, million-faced army of the same implacable enemy, they appear in the form of the undefeatable microscopic tormentor pictured above.

The thought of this whole subject makes my goddamned skin crawl.