Category Archives: “funny”

Goddamn it, Grey Lady!

Can you spot the New York Timesisms here? 

The New York Times continues:

“The Biden campaign has built its strategy around telling voters that the November election is a choice between the president, whatever doubts the public has about his age, and an opponent in Mr. Trump, 77, whom they paint as a threat to democracy and personal freedoms.“

Fair is fair, it is the centerpiece of Biden campaign strategy to paint Trump as a threat to democracy and personal freedoms. It is a two billion dollar  campaign strategy to portray Trump, an ordinary political candidate for president with an unremarkable history, mounting a typical reelection campaign, as some kind of existential threat. Calling him a threat as part of an attack ad campaign, like they all do.

Fair is fair, the Trump appointee who Merrick Garland appointed special counsel to investigate Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents, made comments well beyond the scope of his brief — which was to determine if Biden had or had not committed a crime related to taking government documents. Hur (no relation to Ben) determined that Biden could not be prosecuted and then opined, gratuitously as this blahg you are reading now, that Biden is perhaps in too feeble a mental state to have even been able to form any kind of plan to commit the crimes. No jury would convict such a feeble, doddering, sad, amiable but pitiable old man who barely knew what was going on, added Hur in his final report.  You know how the DOJ always like to include a little gossipy stuff in their official reports, spill a  little tea, like cattily opining about people’s fitness for their elected position and the political reasons to doubt their abilities. 

NY Times, taking the ball and running with it, along with the rest of corporate media.

Or as Biden ad libbed the other day at that news conference where he was angry at special counsel Trump appointee Hur being out of line and working in the interests of a political opponent:

FOX reporter: Are you having problems with your memory?

Biden: I must be, I’m taking a question from you.

Isn’t that right, Grey Lady?

Trump’s team “respectfully disagrees”

The three (female) judge panel from the DC circuit court of appeals ruled unanimously that an ex-president does not have blanket immunity against criminal prosecution for crimes committed while in office. Not a big surprise. The president’s spokesman, guy named Cheung, said Trump “respectfully disagrees” with the unanimous ruling.

“If immunity is not granted to a president, every future president who leaves office will be immediately indicted by the opposing party,” Mr. Cheung said. “Without complete immunity, a president of the United States would not be able to properly function.”

If he’s a fucking criminal.

Trump’s logic is kind of self-evident, if you love him. Trump was the forty-fifth president. All forty-four presidents before him, on leaving office, immediately pleaded the absolute, blanket immunity that Bill Barr told Trump he had on more than one occasion, until Barr realized he too might die in prison if he kept going forward with the Orange Polyp’s determination to carry out multiple criminal plans to remain in power after losing his re-election bid. If these ex-presidents had not all invoked their lifetime immunity from criminal prosecution, all would have been immediately arrested and locked up, without trial, by their ascendant political enemies!!! And, obviously, their successor would have had each of them killed in prison, having absolute, blanket, lifetime immunity from criminal prosecution, for anything, ever. It’s only common sense … to an insane person.

Here’s the outraged King of MAGA himself, as only he can do it:

A President will be afraid to act for fear of the opposite Party’s Vicious Retribution after leaving OFFICE. I am your retribution, I will take the things the sick, dangerous enemy deliberately weaponized and exact my terrible vengeance with them. The earth will Shake, Rattle and Retribute, universal, mandatory death penalty, Cod Bless these SHAYsssh. Biden grime fambily.

This prick is relentless in his greed

Jeff Bezos only makes $131, 666 a minute, this master of the universe (divide by 60 the $7,900,000 an hour he made last year, per Robert Reich, a reliable source).  I guess the fucking piece of shit really, really, really wants to be the richest man who ever lived and some other super-competitive piles of dreck are giving him a run for his money. What a shamelessly avaricious little scumbag. I wish him an eternal afterlife in the most lavish, exclusive hell imaginable. Fuck this fucking puto.

And why not try to rake in a few more billion from his millions of addicted customers when he has the power and ability to do so? It’s a lot better making a little extra cash than paying a reasonable amount of tax to a government he can’t completely control… worse, a government who only wants to control him, force him to collectively bargain with his underpaid workers, employ fair business practices, tax him for his massive contribution to global warming and unconscionable shit like that. 

Catastrophizing

I wake up with my skin crawling. Can’t sleep anymore because, in addition to all my other troubles at the moment, I have these fucking microscopic devils running around under my skin. Oh, my god… the horror, the fucking horror! I am soon ripping at my own skin.

This hellish looking baby is called a scabie (Sarcoptes scabiei), a parasitic mite that lives, in the millions, under the skin and causes a contagious itch with… exudative crust…

I scratch my skin hopelessly because it itches everywhere, worst in the places I can’t hope to reach. 

Note: there is no evidence that I have scabies. In fact, I don’t have scabies.  A friend in France recently described this nightmare to me, and the wonderful news he had from a doctor — his case is called “clean scabies” which, like “friendly fire”, or “collateral damage”, really doesn’t change the awful outcome, but is supposed to make you feel better since, in your case, the plague that is tormenting you did not result from your own poor hygienic practices.  

I looked up scabies and found this nightmarish image of the tiny fucker who runs in hoards making the skin horripilate and forming crusts over the itchy places where exudation occurs. Naturally the image of this tiny, demonic monster popped into my head when I woke up today itching. Once it was there, I couldn’t get it out. 

Because my new knee is still often immobilizingly painful ten months after replacement surgery, because I can’t exercise, because, after an objectively hellish experience with old friends I am wrestling with a playful anaconda of a manuscript that, while smiling, challenging and fun much of the time, is still a twenty foot long deadly constrictor, because all my eggs are in one basket and that basket is shredding, because I am flesh and must go the way of all such things… because the city cut off the water this morning and I have buckets of water all over for cooking, washing and toilet flushing… because, because, because….

It doesn’t occur to me, or it does but I dismiss the thought, that I am itching because of dry skin, a common malady of winter in temperate zones that gets more demanding with age. Next to the bed I have a pump bottle of moisturizer, placed there for soothing dry, itching skin. Applying it is a much better option than clawing at my own skin and twitching at the thought of parasitic mites doing gleeful gymnastics under my skin, but it seems as hopeless as everything else at the moment, too much skin to moisturize, can’t reach the places it itches most, wah, wah! Catastrophe!

Catastrophizing happens when you are overwhelmed by the challenges you face and are at the end of your ability to objectively weigh your circumstances. You can no longer see them one by one as discrete things to deal with, they have united to destroy you once and for all.  All the afflictions described two paragraphs above are true. Taken one at a time they are all things that can be taken care of, though some take a long time and require a long term perspective. Taken as a whole, as the relentless, million-faced army of the same implacable enemy, they appear in the form of the undefeatable microscopic tormentor pictured above.

The thought of this whole subject makes my goddamned skin crawl.

The People rest

To the solid 35% who love Trump, no matter what, who regard him as God’s gift to Christianity and as a savior to every unborn fetus everywhere, plus the Klan members and those solely motivated by greed and narrow self-interest who want every penny of their inherited wealth protected forever, no evidence of the big orange turd’s unfitness for office will ever change their minds about their guy.

For voters who are still persuadable, we get things like this regularly:

On Friday, Trump told the Concord, NH crowd: “You know, by the way, they never report the crowd on January 6th. You know, Nikki Haley, Nikki Haley, Nikki Haley, you know, they did you know, they destroyed all of the information, all of the evidence, everything deleted it, destroyed all of it. All of it because of lots of things, like Nikki Haley is in charge of security. We offered her 10,000 people.”

Those who love him can easily defend this typical Trump word salad. They know he was obviously talking about the hated Nancy Pelosi and that he was, understandably, attacking Haley and defending those innocent J6 hostages.

Anybody else will understand that the man who ordered the destruction of all evidence of the plans for and riot on January 6th, all secret service texts and phone calls, all White House logs and everything else, is a dick fingered reflexive practitioner of projection and an insane, wildly confused bastard who should never be anywhere near a nuclear button, let alone inserted as the Heritage Foundation’s dictator.

Grey Lady — nuanced, super-polite and complicit in maintaining the status quo

This passes for sober analysis by the New York Times, in our current Age of Narcissism:

Donald J. Trump’s decisive victory in Iowa revealed a new depth to the reservoir of devotion inside his party. For eight years, he has nurtured a relationship with his supporters with little precedent in politics. He validates them, he entertains them, he speaks for them and he uses them for his political and legal advantage.

This connection — a hard-earned bond for some, a cult of personality to others — has unleashed one of the most durable forces in American politics.

source [1]

You won’t read in the New York Times that millions of Americans have been mercilessly screwed for decades by a system, designed to protect the interests of the super-wealthy, that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about them. It’s not a hard-earned bond between Trump and the people who support him. He constantly validates their rage, which comes from his own rage at being the world’s greatest winner, yet still not having everything. Trump’s enraged inner child snarls resonantly at the enflamed inner children of his supporters. They love the thought of being him, able to grab women by the pussy (and brag about it), orchestrate a scheme to overturn an election, steal secret documents, lie about having returned them, incite a violent riot to keep himself in power, etc.

Super-wealthy and poor alike get the transgressive thrill of loving a powerful cartoon character who has never been wrong about anything, ever, gets a pass for fraud (his shuttered university, the shut down of his “charity”) and is applauded for doing what they’d all love to be able to do: constantly launch vicious attacks against those you hate and lie in your fucking face you goddamned fucking fuck.

As for a deep bond with little precedent in politics — what the devil are you talking about, Grey Lady? There’s plenty of precedent, all of it ended very badly for those who didn’t like being annihilated by an insane demagogue/cornered rat with a deeply devoted following willing to kill and die for their leader.

[1] The Grey Lady’s headline and lede:

The Most Durable Force in American Politics: Trump’s Ties to His Voters

If Donald Trump’s rivals want to stop his rise, they’ll need to break his bond with his supporters. They didn’t come close in Iowa.

Cherub-faced Jesus intoxicated defender of a rapist’s right to see his fetus born

Pictured above, face flushed from his amorous exertions, his master
looking very satisfied with the recent rim job from his boy.

The slimy little motherfucker is down on the southern border right now, with sixty of his fellow MAGA lick spittles, pretending the worst and most pressing problem America, this nation of immigrants, faces is the immigration that his fellow Republicans have done nothing to address, except by staging aggrieved photo ops and demanding capitulation from Democrats before they will release money to our allies, and desperately needed humanitarian aid to the victims of war criminals, including the victims of some of our allies. Same with aid to farmers, same with everything else, aside from campaigning for a demented criminal.

USA! USA!!!